6251.0.the golden book of quotes

8/12/2019 6251.0.the Golden Book of Quotes

1/39

Nemuritoarele replici ale soldatului german

1 Achtung2 Schnell3 Alarm

4 Sieg Hail5 Sabotage

6 Nicht Schiessen7 Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

God is dead.Niet!sche"

Niet!sche is dead.God"

#he h$pothalamus is one o% the most important parts o% the brain& in'ol'ed in man$ (indso% moti'ation& among other %unctions. #he h$pothalamus controls the )*our *+s),

%ighting-%leeing-%eeding andmating.s$cholog$ pro%essor in neurops$cholog$ intro course"

So& i% there+s no God& /ho changes the /ater0A gold%ish in a bo/l"

Al/a$s loo( on the bright side o% li%e& ta dum& ta dum.onth$ $thon& #he i%e o% rian"

#he good thing about Al!heimer is that $ou meet ne/ people e'er$da$.

nscription on a tombstone,) # 8 9AS S:;)

ut& $ou (no/ /hat li%e reall$ is0 ou+re born& $ou suc( $our mother+s tits. ou get alittle older& $ou suc( $our girl%riend+s tits. ou get married& $ou suc( $our /i%e+s tits.#hat+s /hat li%e is. i%e suc(s.


2/39

don+t su%%er %rom insanit$& en?o$ e'er$ minute o% it.

9e are born na(ed& /et and hungr$. #hen things get /orse.

iplomac$ is the art o% sa$ing )Nice doggie@) ...until $ou can %ind a roc(.

#he more things change& the more the$ suc(.uttHead"

& but m$ aim is impro'ingSla$er"

% $ou can read this& the bitch %ell o%%.ac( o% a motorc$cle ?ac(et"

% at %irst $ou don+t succeed&%uc( the /orld and smo(e some /eed.

9e reall$ don+t ha'e enemies& it+s ?ust that some o% our best %riends are tr$ing to (ill us

:ra!$0 nce /as cra!$. #he$ loc(ed me in a room to die. ie0 don+t /ant to die. Allthe mice /ill get me. ice0 hate mice. #he$ dri'e me cra!$. :ra!$0 nce /as cra!$.#he$ loc(ed....

Nobod$+s per%ect... /ell& there /as this gu$& but /e (illed him.

said )N) to drugs@but the$ ?ust /ouldn+t listen"Sa'e the /hales. :ollect the /hole set.

He$& don+t li(e cocaine... ?ust li(e the /a$ it smells.=odne$ anger%ield"


3/39

/as born /ait& it gets /orse.

)% $ou+re in a /ar& instead o% thro/ing a hand grenade at the enem$& thro/ one o% thosesmall pump(ins. a$be it+ll ma(e e'er$one thin( ho/ stupid /ar is& and /hile the$ arethin(ing& $ou can thro/ a real grenade at them.)eep #houghts b$ t to $ou.

9hen /e remember that /e are all mad& the m$steries disappear and li%e standse>plained.ar( #/ain"

eam me up&


4/39


5/39

% $ou are drin(ing to %orget& pa$ in ad'ance.A ub 9all."

om D ad D beer condom E me.

9hen there+s a /ill& /ant to be in it.

ha'e the bod$ o% a god@ #oo bad it+s uddha@

% se> is a pain in the ass... $ou are doing it /rong@


6/39

tree %ull o% smiling %aces. #he mon(e$s on the bottom loo( up and see nothing butassholes.

Sign on repair shop door, 9e can repair an$thing.lease (noc( hard as bell is not /or(ing".

used to /or( at a ?u'enile detention center. And $ou (no/ /hat m$ %a'orite part /as09atching the (ids get ta(en a/a$ in handcu%%s& cr$ing.Histor$ teacher+s %irst /ords to his class

Ho/+s li%e treating $ou& Norm0i(e it caught me sleeping /ith its /i%e. Norm eterson& ):heers)

Ne/ or(... /hen ci'ili!ation %alls apart& remember& /e /ere /a$ ahead o% $ou.a'id etterman

#he dumber people thin( $ou are& the more surprised the$+re going to be /hen $ou (illthem.

9illiam :la$ton

A raccoon tangled /ith a 23& 'olt line toda$. #he results blac(ed out 14 homes and&o% course& one raccoon.

Steel :it$ Ne/s

% $ou thin( nobod$ cares i% $ou+re ali'e& tr$ missing a couple o% car pa$ments.Barl 9ilson

Ho/ do $ou pla$ religious roulette0 ou stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see/ho gets struc( b$ lightning %irst.

#a(e $our d$ing /ith some seriousness& ho/e'er. aughing on the /a$ to $our e>ecutionis not generall$ understood b$ less ad'anced li%e %orms& and the$+ll call $ou cra!$.

essiah+s Handboo(, =eminders %or the Ad'anced Soul

;arate is a %orm o% martial arts in /hich people /ho ha'e had $ears and $ears o% trainingcan& using onl$ their hands and %eet& ma(e some o% the /orst mo'ies in the histor$ o% the/orld.

a'e arr$

Nu(e their Ass and #a(e their Gasumper Stic(er

1.. sperm and 8 /ere the %astest000 umper Stic(er

)9e cannot tolerate the proli%eration o% this paper/or( an$ longer. t is useless to %ightthe %orms. 9e must (ill the people producing them.)


7/39

Attributed to ladimir ;abaid!e& irector o% the 'ano'o achine 9or(s nearosco/& in a speech be%ore the annual :ommunist art$ :ongress& 1I36

+'e learned not to put things in m$ mouth that are bad %or me.onica e/ins($ on :NN+s arr$ ;ing i'e discussing her /eightloss"

% it /eren+t %or ph$sics and la/ en%orcement& +d be unstoppable.

ne'er %orget a %ace& but in $our case +ll be glad to ma(e an e>ception.Groucho ar>

must be a mushroom because +m al/a$s (ept in the dar( and %ed bullshit.North/est territor$ maga!ine

No matter ho/ badl$ idiots outnumber $ou... the$ are still the idiots@aria

thin( there%ore am se'erl$ concerned.

plan to li'e %ore'er... So %ar so good.

am not %at... pre%er to thin( o% m$sel% as subcutaneousl$ gi%ted.

#he di%%erence bet/een in'ol'ed and committed can best be e>plained using a bacon andegg brea(%ast as an e>ample, #he chic(en is in'ol'ed but the pig is committed.

ne o% the great things about boo(s is sometimes there are some %antastic pictures.

#here are three t$pes o% economist. #hose /ho can count& and those /ho can+tBddie George Go'ernor o% the an( o% Bngland

9ho disco'ered that $ou could get mil( %rom co/s& and /hat the HB did he thin( he/as doing at the time0

9ar does not determine /ho is right... but /ho is le%t.

)ad@ 9e+'e done something a/%ul@))id $ou /rec( the car0))No))id $ou raise the dead0)

)es))ut the car is o(a$0))es))9ell run along then)

#he Simpsons

o in%ants en?o$ in%anc$ as much as adults en?o$ adulter$0


8/39

#imes spent /asted are not /asted times.

Ha'e $ou e'er been in therap$0 No0 ou should tr$ it. t+s li(e a reall$ eas$ game sho//here the correct ans/er to e'er$ Cuestion is, )ecause o% m$ mother.)

Hoc(e$ is a sport %or /hite men. as(etball is a sport %or blac( men. Gol% is a sport %or/hite men dressed li(e blac( pimps.

ou (no/ $ou are getting too old& /hen the candles cost more than the ca(e.

9hen people sa$ )+m gonna (ic( $our ass@)& the$ ne'er (ic( $our ass& the$ punch $ou inthe %ace.

Bat health$& e>ercise more& still die.

Smile& it ma(es people /onder /hat $ou+re up too...

o not /al( behind me %or $ou are not m$ sla'e& and do not /al( ne>t to me& e'enthough $ou are m$ eCual.. but /al( %i'e steps in %ront o% me cause bab$ $ou got a niceass@

ou can stump an$ stoner /ith one Cuestion, 9hat /ere /e ?ust tal(ing about0

don+t ha'e to be care%ul& +'e got a gun@Homer Simpson

No/ (no/ +m not normall$ a pra$ing man& but i% $ou+re up there& please sa'e me&Superman@ Homer Simpson

#hat mone$ tal(s don+t den$... ?ust heard mine $ell, Goodb$e@@;ids in bac( seats cause accidents& accidents in bac( seats cause (ids.

#hese are m$ principles. % $ou don+t li(e them.. ha'e others@

#here is nothing /rong /ith $ou that the tri%ling matter o% a brain transplant can+t cure.

$sle>ics o% the /orld& untie@

B>cuse me& but thin( m$ (arma ?ust ran o'er $our dogma

esides a dog& a boo( is man+s best %riend. nside o% a dog& it+s too dar( to read.

At the e'ening ser'ice tonight& the sermon topic /ill be )9hat is Hell0) :ome earl$ andlisten to our choir practice.

% $ou pulled the /ings o%% o% a %l$& /ould it still be called a %l$& or /ould it be called a/al(0


9/39

Alcohol doesn+t sol'e an$ problems& but then again& neither does mil(.

B'er$one needs belie% in something. belie'e +ll ha'e another beer.

n hea'en there is no beer& that+s /h$ /e drin( it here@

)esterda$ scientists re'ealed that beer contains small traces o% %emale hormones. #opro'e their theor$& the scientists %ed 1 men 12 pints o% beer each& and obser'ed that1J o% them gained /eight& tal(ed e>cessi'el$ /ithout ma(ing an$ sense& becameemotional& and couldn+t dri'e. No %urther testing is planned.)

ou can ne'er be sure ho/ man$ beers $ou had last night.#he Heine(en 8ncertaint$ rinciple

t goes a little something li(e this. A herd o% bu%%alo can onl$ mo'e as %ast as the slo/estbu%%alo& much li(e the brain can onl$ operate as %ast as the slo/est brain cells. #he

slo/est bu%%alo are the sic( and /ea( so the$ die o%% %irst& ma(ing it possible %or the herdto mo'e at a %aster pace. i(e the bu%%alo the /ea(& slo/ brain cells are the ones that are(illed o%% b$ beer drin(ing& ma(ing the brain operate %aster. #he moral o% the stor$& drin(more beer& it /ill ma(e $ou smarter..

Gi'e a man a %ish and he /ill eat %or a da$& teach a man to %ish and he /ill spend all da$in a boat drin(ing beer.

+m onl$ here to do t/o things& drin( some beer and (ic( some ass. oo(s li(e /e+realmost out o% beer.

9hen die bur$ me deep /ith a si>pac( o% beer bet/een m$ %eet& a 5th o% liCuor and abottle o% rum.+ll raise hell to (ingdom come.

Surrender $our beer& or /e+ll ta(e it b$ %orce.

Hard ri'e, #he part o% the computer that stops /or(ing /hen $ou spill beer on it.

#here are 24 cans o% beer in a beer case& and 24 hours in a da$. 9e don+t belie'e this tobe a coincidence.

eer is proo% that God lo'es us and /ants us to be happ$.

en?amin *ran(lin

eer helping /hite people dance since 1K37

% $ou bought L1 /orth o% Nortel stoc( one $ear ago& it /ould no/ be /orth L4I. %$ou bought L1 /orth o% ud/eiser the beer& not the stoc(" one $ear ago& dran( allthe beer& and traded in the cans %or the nic(el deposit& $ou /ould ha'e L7I. $ ad'ice to$ou is to start drin(ing hea'il$.


10/39

on+t drin( and dri'e. ou might spill $our beer.

=emember beer has %ood 'alue& %ood has absolutel$ no beer 'alue.

am not an alcoholic. am a drun(. Alcoholics go to meetings.

Alcohol and calculus don+t mi>... on+t drin( and deri'e.

No matter ho/ liberated this /orld becomes& man /ill al/a$s be ?udged b$ the amounto% alcohol he can consume and /omen& /hether the$ li(e to admit it or not& /ill beimpressed.

)9hat+s ne/ 0))#errorists&. #he$+'e ta(en o'er m$ stomach M the$+re demanding beer.)

)9hat+d $ou li(e 0)

)A reason to li'e. Gi'e me another beer.)

)He$& ho/+s the /orld been treating $ou0))i(e a bab$ treats a diaper.)

)He$ & there+s a cold one /aiting %or $ou.)) (no/- i% she calls& +m not here.)

)9hat+s going on0))A %lashing sign in m$ gut that sa$s& +nsert beer here.+)

)9hatcha up to0))$ ideal /eight i% /ere ele'en %eet tall.)

)our $ou a beer0))Alright& but stop me at one....ma(e that onethirt$.)

)9hat+s the stor$0))o$ meets beer. o$ drin(s beer. o$ meets another beer.)

)9hat+s going on0))#he Cuestion is /hat+s going N& r. eterson0

)A beer please& 9ood$.)

)on+t (noc( masturbation& it+s se> /ith someone lo'e .)

)A %ast /ord about oral contraception. as(ed a girl to go to bed /ith me& she said +no+.)

)t+s not that +m a%raid to die& ?ust don+t /ant to be there /hen it happens.)


11/39

)#here are /orse things in li%e than death. Ha'e $ou e'er spent an e'ening /ith aninsurance salesman0)

)one$ is better than po'ert$& i% onl$ %or %inancial reasons.)

) %ailed to ma(e the chess team because o% m$ height.)

) belie'e that se> is a beauti%ul thing bet/een t/o people. et/een %i'e& it+s %antastic.)

)o'e is the ans/er but /hile $ou+re /aiting %or the ans/er se> raises some prett$ goodCuestions.)

) don+t /ant to achie'e immortalit$ through m$ /or(& /ant to achie'e it through notd$ing.)

)+m 'er$ proud o% m$ gold poc(et /atch. $ grand%ather& on his deathbed& sold me this/atch.)

)9or( is the curse o% the drin(ing classes.)

) told m$ ps$chiatrist that e'er$one hates me. He said /as being ridiculous e'er$onehasn+t met me $et.)

)ou ha'e to sta$ in shape. $ grandmother& she started /al(ing %i'e miles a da$ /henshe /as 6. She+s I7 toda$ and /e don+t (no/ /here the hell she is.)

)Ha'e $ou e'er noticed0 An$bod$ going slo/er than $ou is an idiot& and an$one going%aster than $ou is a maniac.)

)+m al/a$s ama!ed to hear o% air crash 'ictims so badl$ mutilated that the$ ha'e to beidenti%ied b$ their dental records. 9hat can+t understand is& i% the$ don+t (no/ /ho $ouare& ho/ do the$ (no/ /ho $our dentist is0)

)#here is one thing /ould brea( up o'er and that is i% she caught me /ith another/oman. /ouldn+t stand %or that.)

) used to sell %urniture %or a li'ing. #he trouble /as& it /as m$ o/n.)

)#he Stones& lo'e the Stones. /atch them /hene'er can. *red& arne$...)

)*irst $ou %orget names& then $ou %orget %aces. Ne>t $ou %orget to pull $our !ipper up and%inall$& $ou %orget to pull it do/n.)

)#he pen is mightier than the s/ord& and considerabl$ easier to /rite /ith.)

)% toast al/a$s lands butterside do/n& and cats al/a$s land on their %eet& /hat happensi% $ou strap toast on the bac( o% a cat and drop it0)


12/39

)*or three da$s a%ter death& hair and %ingernails continue to gro/ but phone calls tapero%%.)

)Sometimes lie a/a(e at night& and as(& +9here ha'e gone /rong0+ #hen a 'oice sa$sto me& +#his is going to ta(e more than one night.+ )

)8SA #oda$ has come out /ith a ne/ sur'e$, Apparentl$ three out o% %our people ma(eup 75 percent o% the population.)

)a$be there is no actual place called hell. a$be hell is ?ust ha'ing to listen to ourgrandparents breathe through their noses /hen the$+re eating sand/iches.)

)Some mornings& it+s ?ust not /orth che/ing through the leather straps.)

)% $our parents ne'er had children& chances are $ou /on+t either.)

)+m desperatel$ tr$ing to %igure out /h$ (ami(a!e pilots /ore helmets.)

)id $ou e'er /al( in a room and %orget /h$ $ou /al(ed in0 thin( that+s ho/ dogsspend their li'es.)

)No/ the$ sho/ $ou ho/ detergents ta(e out bloodstains& a prett$ 'iolent image there. thin( i% $ou+'e got a #shirt /ith a bloodstain all o'er it& ma$be laundr$ isn+t $our biggestproblem.a$be $ou should get rid o% the bod$ be%ore $ou do the /ash.)

)A sure cure %or seasic(ness is to sit under a tree.)

)9h$ don+t the$ ma(e the /hole plane out o% that blac( bo> stu%%.)

)#raged$ is /hen cut m$ %inger. :omed$ is /hen $ou %all into an open se/er and die.)

) pla$ed a lot o% tough clubs in m$ time. nce a gu$ in one o% those clubs /anted to betme L1 that /as dead. /as a%raid to bet.)

) once heard t/o ladies going on and on about the pains o% childbirth and ho/ men don+tseem to (no/ /hat real pain is. as(ed i% either o% them e'er got themsel'es caught in a!ipper.)

)B'er$/here is /ithin /al(ing distance i% $ou ha'e the time.)

)+m so unluc($ that i% /as to %all into a barrel o% nipples +d come out suc(ing m$thumb.)

)$ neighbour as(ed i% he could use m$ la/nmo/er and told him o% course he could&so long as he didn+t ta(e it out o% m$ garden.)

)ou+re about as use%ul as a onelegged man at an arse (ic(ing contest.)


13/39

) /ould ne'er do crac(... /ould ne'er do a drug named a%ter a part o% m$ o/n ass&o(a$0)

)Smo(ing (ills. % $ou+re (illed& $ou+'e lost a 'er$ important part o% $our li%e.)

)ou+re not drun( i% $ou can lie on the %loor /ithout holding on.)

)Al/a$s do sober /hat $ou said $ou+d do drun(. #hat /ill teach $ou to (eep $our mouthshut.)

)ou can tell German /ine %rom 'inegar b$ the label.)

)#ime is ne'er /asted /hen $ou+re /asted all the time.)

)% God had intended us to drin( beer& He /ould ha'e gi'en us stomachs.)

)9hen read about the e'ils o% drin(ing& ga'e up reading.)

)9ithout Cuestion& the greatest in'ention in the histor$ o% man(ind is beer. h& grant$ou that the /heel /as also a %ine in'ention& but the /heel does not go nearl$ as /ell/ith pi!!a.)

)Not all chemicals are bad. 9ithout chemicals such as h$drogen and o>$gen& %ore>ample& there /ould be no /a$ to ma(e /ater& a 'ital ingredient in beer.)

) hate to ad'ocate drugs& alcohol& 'iolence& or insanit$ to an$one& but the$+'e al/a$s/or(ed %or me.)

)$ dad /as the to/n drun(. ost o% the time that+s not so bad- but Ne/ or( :it$0)

):ocaine is God+s /a$ o% sa$ing $ou+re ma(ing too much mone$.)

)+d rather ha'e a %ull bottle in %ront o% me than a %ull %rontal labotom$.)

) (no/ +m drin(ing m$sel% to a slo/ death& but then +m in no hurr$.)

)He once had his toes amputated so he could stand closer to the bar.)

) ne'er smo(ed a cigarette until /as nine.)

) smo(e ten to %i%teen cigars a da$. At m$ age ha'e to hold on to something.)

) don+t li(e people /ho ta(e drugs... :ustoms men %or e>ample.)

) drin( too much. #he last time ga'e a urine sample it had an oli'e in it.)

)=ealit$ is ?ust a crutch %or people /ho can+t cope /ith drugs.)


14/39

)rohibition is better than no liCuor at all.)

)=eal ale %ans are ?ust li(e trainspotters& onl$ drun(.)

) am a drin(er /ith /riting problems.)

)+'e stopped drin(ing& but onl$ /hile +m asleep.)

)+m not reall$ a hea'$ smo(er an$ more. onl$ get through t/o lighters a da$ no/.)

) ma(e it a rule ne'er to smo(e /hile +m sleeping.)

)% had to li'e m$ li%e o'er& +d li'e o'er a saloon.)

)#he di%%erence bet/een a drun( and a alcoholic is that a drun( doesn+t ha'e to attend allthose meetings.)

)#he ans/er to li%e+s problems aren+t at the bottom o% a beer bottle& the$+re on #.)

)A criminal is a person /ith predator$ instincts /ho has not su%%icient capital to %orm acorporation.)Ho/ard Scott.

)+m spending a $ear dead %or ta> reasons.)ouglas Adams.

) al/a$s arri'e late at the o%%ice& but ma(e up %or it b$ lea'ing earl$.):harles amb.

)n tal$ %or thirt$ $ears under the orgias the$ had /ar%are& terror& murder andbloodshed but the$ produced ichelangelo& eonardo da inci and the =enaissance. nS/it!erland& the$ had brotherl$ lo'e- the$ had %i'e hundred $ears o% democrac$ andpeace and /hat did the$ produce0 #he cuc(oo cloc(.)rson 9elles.

)nl$ one thing is impossible %or God, #o %ind an$ sense in an$ cop$right la/ on theplanet.)ar( #/ain.

)#he de%inition o% a consultant, Someone /ho borro/s& $our /atch& tells $ou the timeand then charges $ou %or the pri'ilege.)letter in the #imes ne/spaper.

)n the business /orld an e>ecuti'e (no/s something about e'er$thing& a technician(no/s e'er$thing about something and the s/itchboard operator (no/s e'er$thing.)Harold :o%%in.


15/39

)#he %irst rule o% business is, o other men %or the$ /ould do $ou.):harles ic(ens.

)*e/ great men /ould ha'e got past personnel.)aul Goodman.

)9hen as(ed m$ accountant i% an$thing could get me out o% this mess am in no/ hethought %or a long time and said& +es& death /ould help+.)=obert orle$.

)+'e been accused o% 'ulgarit$. sa$ that+s bullshit.)el roo(s.

)9hen his li%e /as ruined& his %amil$ (illed& his %arm destro$ed& .

)Not onl$ is there no God& but $ou tr$ getting a plumber at /ee(ends.)9ood$ Allen.

)n =ussia /e onl$ had t/o # channels. :hannel ne /as propaganda. :hannel #/oconsisted o% a ;G o%%icer telling $ou, #urn bac( at once to :hannel ne.)a(o' Smirno%%.

) gre/ up /ith si> brothers. #hat+s ho/ learned to dance /aiting %or the bathroom.)ob Hope.

)% there is no Hell& a good man$ preachers are obtaining mone$ under %alse pretences.)9illiam Sunda$.

) admire the ope. ha'e a lot o% respect %or an$one /ho can tour /ithout an album.)


16/39

=ita =udner.

)#han( God +m an atheist.)uis unuel.

)#he ible /as a consolation to a %ello/ alone in the old cell. #he lo'el$ thin paper /itha bit o% matress stu%%ing in it& i% $ou could get a match& /as as good a smo(e as e'ertasted.)rendan ehan.

)n the begining there /as nothing and God said +et there be light+& and there /as stillnothing but e'er$bod$ could see it.)a'e #homas.

)Sailors ought ne'er to go to church. #he$ ought to go to hell& /here it is much morecom%ortable.)

HG 9ells.

)% absolute po/er corrupts absolutel$& /here does that lea'e God0)George eacon.

) don+t belie'e in the a%ter li%e& although am bringing a change o% under/ear.)9ood$ Allen.

)9hen /as a (id used to pra$ e'er$ night %or a ne/ bic$cle. #hen realised that theord doesn+t /or( that /a$ so stole one and as(ed Him to %orgi'e me.)Bmo hilips.

)9hen told the people o% Northern reland that /as an atheist& a /oman in theaudience stood up and said& +es& but is it the God o% the :atholics or the God o% therotestants in /hom $ou don+t belie'e0)Fuentin :risp.

) /ould ha'e made a good ope.)=ichard Ni>on

)% ad'ertisers spent the same amount o% mone$ on impro'ing their products as the$ doon ad'ertising then the$ /ouldn+t ha'e to ad'ertise them.)9ill =ogers.

)% $ou thin( $our boss is stupid remember- $ou /ouldn+t ha'e a ?ob i% he /as smarter.)Albert Grant.

)A lot o% people become pessimists %rom %inancing optimists.):#


17/39

e>penditure.);eith a'is.

)An$ organisation is li(e a septic tan(. #he reall$ big chun(s rise to the top.)empt %or ?ur$ dut$.)George ernard Sha/.

)$ mother /as li(e a sister to me& onl$ /e didn+t ha'e se> Cuite so o%ten.)Bmo hilips.

)9hen the authorities /arn $ou o% the dangers o% ha'ing se>& there is an important lessonto be learned. o not ha'e se> /ith the authorities.)att Groening.

)on+t ha'e se> man. t leads to (issing and prett$ soon $ou ha'e to start tal(ing tothem.)Ste'e artin.

)t+s so long since +'e had se> +'e %orgotten /ho ties up /ho.)


18/39

)B'er$bod$ /ants to go to hea'en& but nobod$ /ants to die.) is one o% the most /holesome& beauti%ul and natural e>periences that mone$ can

bu$.)Ste'e artin.

)$ best birth control no/ is ?ust to lea'e the lights on.)ual. couldn+t stand being re?ected b$ men as /ell as /omen.)ernard anning.

)+m such a good lo'er because practice a lot on m$ o/n.)9ood$ Allen.

)t+s not true that had nothing on. had the radio on.)ar$l$n onroe.

)A single death is a traged$& a million deaths is a statistic.)


19/39

)B'er$thing is dri'ethrough. n :ali%ornia& the$ e'en ha'e a burial ser'ice called .)9il Shriner.

)#he %ear o% death is the most un?usti%ied o% all %ears& %or there+s no ris( o% accident %orsomeone /ho+s dead.)Albert Binstein.

) /ouldn+t mind d$ing it+s the business o% ha'ing to sta$ dead that scares the shit out o%me.)=. Geis.

)t+s impossible to e>perience one+s death ob?ecti'el$ and still carr$ a tune.)9ood$ Allen.

)*or i% he li(e a madman li'ed& At least he li(e a /ise one died.)

:er'antes.

)eath does not concern us& because as long as /e e>ist& death is not here. And /hen itdoes come& /e no longer e>ist.)Bpicurus.

)9hen a man steals $our /i%e there is no better re'enge than to let him (eep her.)Sacha Guitr$.

)#here is one thing /ould brea( up o'er and that is i% she caught me /ith another/oman. /ouldn+t stand %or that.)Ste'e artin.

)*irst the doctor told me the good ne/s, /as going to ha'e a disease named a%ter me.)Ste'e artin.

)eath is nature+s /a$ o% telling $ou to slo/ do/n.)ic( Sharples.

) ha'e the bod$ o% an eighteen $ear old. (eep it in the %ridge.)Spi(e illigan.

)om M op /ere ?ust a couple o% (ids /hen the$ got married. He /as eighteen& she /as

si>teen and /as three.)illie Holida$.

)Some people as( the secret o% our long marriage. 9e ta(e time to go to a restaurant t/otimes a /ee(. A little candlelight& dinner& so%t music and dancing. She goes #uesda$s& go *rida$s.)Henr$ oungman.


20/39

)n m$ house +m the boss& m$ /i%e is ?ust the decision ma(er.)9ood$ Allen.

)+'e had bad luc( /ith both m$ /i'es. #he %irst one le%t me and the second one didn+t.)atric( urra$.

)#he appropriate age %or marriage is around eighteen %or girls and thirt$se'en %or men.)Aristotle.

):omputers are useless. #he$ can onl$ gi'e $ou ans/ers.)ablo icasso.

)rogramming toda$ is a race bet/een so%t/are engineers stri'ing to build bigger andbetter idiotproo% programs& and the 8ni'erse tr$ing to produce bigger and better idiots.So %ar& the 8ni'erse is /inning.)=ich :oo(.

):omputer dating is %ine& i% $ou+re a computer.)=ita a$ ro/n.

)All sorts o% computer errors are no/ turning up. ou+d be surprised to (no/ the numbero% doctors /ho claim the$ are treating pregnant men.)saac Asimo'.

)#o err is human& but to reall$ %oul things up $ou need a computer.)aul Bhrlich.

)e/are o% computer programmers that carr$ scre/dri'ers.)eonard rand/ein.

)8N is basicall$ a simple operating s$stem& but $ou ha'e to be a genius to understandthe simplicit$.)ennis =itchie.

)#he most o'erloo(ed ad'antage o% o/ning a computer is that i% the$ %oul up there+s nola/ against /hac(ing them around a bit.)Bric orter%ield. )ouis asteur+s theor$ o% germs is ridiculous %iction.)ierre achet& ro%essor o% h$siolog$ at #oulouse& 1K72 .

)#he /ireless music bo> has no imaginable commercial 'alue. 9ho /ould pa$ %or a

message sent to nobod$ in particular0)a'id Sarno%%+s associates in response to his urging %or in'estment in the radio in the1I2s.

)=esearchers ha'e disco'ered that chocolate produces some o% the same reactions in thebrain as mari?uana. #he researchers also disco'ered other similarities bet/een the t/o butcan+t remember /hat the$ are.)att auer on N:+s #oda$ Sho/ .


21/39

)% it /eren+t %or electricit$ /e+d all be /atching tele'ision b$ candlelight.)George Gobol.

)8SA #oda$ has come out /ith a ne/ sur'e$, Apparentl$ three out o% %our people ma(eup 75 percent o% the population.)a'id etterman.

)n ancient times the$ had no statistics so the$ had to %all bac( on lies.)Stephen eacoc(.

);etchup le%t o'ernight on dinner plates has a longer hal%li%e than radioacti'e /aste.)9es Smith.

)iologicall$ spea(ing& i% something bites $ou it+s more li(el$ to be %emale.)esmond orris.

)9hen die +m going to lea'e m$ bod$ to science %iction.)Ste'en 9right.

)nanimate ob?ects can be classi%ied scienti%icall$ into three ma?or categories- those thatdon+t /or(& those that brea( do/n and those that get lost.)=ussell a(er.

)escended %rom the apes0 et us hope that it is not true. ut i% it is& let us pra$ that itma$ not become generall$ (no/n.)*A ontagu.

)#here are lies& damned lies and statistics.)ar( #/ain.

) am an e>pert o% electricit$. $ %ather occupied the chair o% applied electricit$ at thestate prison.)9: *ields.

)$ ad'ice to $ou is get married, i% $ou %ind a good /i%e $ou+ll be happ$- i% not& $ou+llbecome a philosopher.)Socrates.

)An intellectual is someone /ho has %ound something more interesting than se>.)

Bdgar 9allace.

)ou as( me i% (eep a noteboo( to record m$ great ideas. +'e onl$ e'er had one.)Albert Binstein.

)nl$ one man e'er understood me& and he didn+t understand me.)G9 Hegel.


22/39

)B'er$thing that can be in'ented has been in'ented.):harles uell.

):haos #heor$ is a ne/ theor$ in'ented b$ scientists panic(ed b$ the thought that thepublic /ere beginning to understand the old ones.)i(e ar%ield.

)#he secret o% creati'it$ is (no/ing ho/ to hide $our sources.)Albert Binstein.

At one time or another ha'e insulted e'er$bod$& and am proud o% that. *ol(s& letme sum it up %or $ou, thin( religion is bad& and drugs are good. thin( America causescancer& longe'it$ is less important than %un and $oung people should be discouraged %rom'oting. thin( stereot$pes are true& abstinence is a per'sion& ushOs lies are /orse than:lintonOs and there is nothing se>$ about being old or pregnant. thin( I11 changednothing& and i% had (no/n the onset o% /ar /ould add a hundred points on to ushOs F&

/ould ha'e started one. thin( pornograph$ stops rape& thin( AS ribbons are stupid&and %lag burning ma(es me %eel patriotic. thin( death is not the /orst thing that canhappen. thin( people ha'e too much sel%esteem& and being drun( is %unn$. thin(children are not innocent& God doesnOt /rite boo(s& and perience. /ill dispense this ad'ice no/.Bn?o$ the po/er and beaut$ o% $our $outh- oh ne'ermind- $ou /ill not understand thepo/er and beaut$ o% $our $outh until the$ ha'e %aded. ut trust me& in 2 $ears $ouOllloo( bac( at photos o% $oursel% and recall in a /a$ $ou canOt grasp no/ ho/ muchpossibilit$ la$ be%ore $ou and ho/ %abulous $ou reall$ loo(ed. ouOre not as %at as $ouimagine.


23/39

onOt /orr$ about the %uture- or /orr$& but (no/ that /orr$ing is as e%%ecti'e as tr$ing tosol'e an algebra eCuation b$ che/ing bubblegum. #he real troubles in $our li%e are apt tobe things that ne'er crossed $our /orried mind- the (ind that blindside $ou at 4pm onsome idle #uesda$.o one thing e'er$da$ that scares $ouSingonOt be rec(less /ith other peopleOs hearts& donOt put up /ith people /ho are rec(less/ith $ours.*lossonOt /aste $our time on ?ealous$- sometimes $ouOre ahead& sometimes $ouOre behind.#he race is long& and in the end& itOs onl$ /ith $oursel%.=emember the compliments $ou recei'e& %orget the insults- i% $ou succeed in doing this&tell me ho/.;eep $our old lo'e letters& thro/ a/a$ $our old ban( statements.StretchonOt %eel guilt$ i% $ou donOt (no/ /hat $ou /ant to do /ith $our li%e. #he mostinteresting people (no/ didnOt (no/ at 22 /hat the$ /anted to do /ith their li'es& some

o% the most interesting 4 $ear olds (no/ still donOt.Get plent$ o% calcium.e (ind to $our (nees& $ouOll miss them /hen the$Ore gone.a$be $ouOll marr$& ma$be $ou /onOt& ma$be $ouOll ha'e children& ma$be $ou /onOt&ma$be $ouOll di'orce at 4& ma$be $ouOll dance the %un($ chic(en on $our 75th /eddinganni'ersar$. 9hate'er $ou do& donOt congratulate $oursel% too much or berate $oursel%either, $our choices are hal% chance& so are e'er$bod$ elseOs.Bn?o$ $our bod$& use it e'er$ /a$ $ou can. onOt be a%raid o% it& or /hat other peoplethin( o% it& itOs the greatest instrument $ouOll e'er o/n.ance.B'en i% $ou ha'e no/here to do it but in $our o/n li'ing room. =ead the directions& e'eni% $ou donOt %ollo/ them.o not read beaut$ maga!ines& the$ /ill onl$ ma(e $ou %eel ugl$.Get to (no/ $our parents& $ou ne'er (no/ /hen the$Oll be gone %or good.e nice to $our siblings- the$ are the best lin( to $our past and the people most li(el$ tostic( /ith $ou in the %uture.8nderstand that %riends come and go& but %or the precious %e/& $ou should hold on. 9or(hard to bridge the gaps in geograph$ in li%est$le because the older $ou get& the more $ouneed the people $ou (ne/ /hen $ou /ere $oung.i'e in Ne/ or( :it$ once& but lea'e be%ore it ma(es $ou hard- li'e in Northern:ali%ornia once& but lea'e be%ore it ma(es $ou so%t.#ra'el.Accept certain inalienable truths, prices /ill rise& politicians /ill philander& $ou too /ill

get old& and /hen $ou do $ouOll %antasi!e that /hen $ou /ere $oung& prices /erereasonable& politicians /ere noble and children respected their elders.=espect $our elders.onOt e>pect an$one else to support $ou. a$be $ou ha'e a trust %und& ma$be $ou ha'e a/ealth$ spouse- but $ou ne'er (no/ /hen either one might run out.onOt mess too much /ith $our hair& or b$ the time $ou+re 4& it /ill loo( K5.


24/39

e care%ul /hose ad'ice $ou bu$& but be patient /ith those /ho suppl$ it. Ad'ice is a%orm o% nostalgia& dispensing it is a /a$ o% %ishing the past %rom the disposal& /iping ito%%& painting o'er the ugl$ parts and rec$cling it %or more than itOs /orth.ut trust me on the sunscreen... a! uhrmann& B'er$bod$+s *ree #o 9ear Sunscreen"

:on%ucius sa$, )Schoolbo$ /ho pla$s /ith schoolgirl during /rong period get caughtredhanded.)

:on%ucius sa$, )t is good %or bo$ to meet girl in par(& but better %or bo$ to par( meat ingirl.)

:on%ucius sa$, )an /ho goes to bed /ith se> on mind /a(es up /ith solution in hand.)

:on%ucius sa$& )Secretar$ not permanent %i>ture until scre/ed on top o% des(.)

:on%ucius sa$ )aseball is /rong. an /ith %our balls cannot /al(.)

:on%ucius sa$& )assionate (iss li(e spiders /eb soon lead to undoing o% %l$.)

:on%ucius sa$& )irginit$ li(e bubble- ne pric( all gone@)

:on%ucius sa$& )*oolish man gi'e /i%e grand piano. 9ise man gi'e /i%e upright organ.)

:on%ucius sa$& )anties not best thing on earth& but ne>t to it.)

:on%ucius sa$& )an /ho scratches ass should not bite %ingernails)

:on%ucius sa$& )an /ho ma(e lo'e on ground& ha'e piece on Barth.)

:on%ucius sa$& )an /ho %ight /ith /i%e all da$& get no piece at night.)

:on%ucius sa$& )an /ho stand on toilet is high on pot.)

:on%ucius sa$& )an /ho li'es in glass house should change clothes in basement.)

:on%ucius sa$& )He /ho %ishes in other man+s /ell o%ten catches crabs.)

:on%ucius sa$& )an /ho dri'e li(e hell& bound to get there@)

:on%ucius sa$& )an /ho ta(e /oman on camping trip ha'e naught$ intent@)

:on%ucius sa$& )an /ho go through airport door side/a$s& going to bangcoc(.)

:on%ucius sa$& )an /ho run in %ront o% car& get tired. an /ho run behind car get e>hausted.)

:on%ucius sa$& )an /ho %arts in church sits in o/n pe/.)


25/39

:on%ucius sa$& )9oman /ho spring on innerspring this spring ha'e o%%spring ne>tspring@)

:on%ucius sa$& )#ime %lies li(e an arro/. *ruit %lies li(e bananas.)

:on%ucius sa$, );ids are li(e egos& lot o% %un to ma(e& but sooner or later& onl$ end upmessing up house.)

:on%ucius sa$& )an /ho put /ic( into /rong candle ... get burned.)

:on%ucius sa$& )an /ho sleep in cathouse b$ da$& sleep in doghouse b$ night.)

:on%ucius sa$& )9oman /ho coo( carrots and peas in same pot& 'er$ unsanitar$.)

:on%ucius sa$& )an bobbing up and do/n in corn %ield is not planting grain.)

:on%ucius sa$& )an /ho tell one too man$ light bulb ?o(es soon burn out.)

:on%ucius sa$, an /ith hand in poc(et %eel coc($ all da$.

:on%ucius sa$, :ro/ded ele'ator smells di%%erent to midget.

)+m not staring at $our breasts& /as reading $our #shirt@)#shirt

#he$ sa$ 'erbal insults hurt more then ph$sical pain. #he$ are o% course /rong& as $ou/ill soon %ind out /hen put this toasting %or( in $our head.

lac(adder

e (ind to $our children. #he$ choose $our nursing home.umper Stic(er

Hello& $ou are tal(ing to a machine. am capable o% recei'ing messages. $ o/ners donot need siding& /indo/s& or a hot tub& and their carpets are clean. #he$ gi'e to charit$through their o%%ice and do not need their picture ta(en. % $ou+re still /ith me& lea'e $ourname and number and the$ /ill get bac( to $ou.

#his is not an ans/ering machine this is a telepathic thought recording de'ice. A%terthe tone& thin( about $our name& $our reason %or calling and a number /here can reach

$ou& and +ll thin( about returning $our call.

Hi& +m not home right no/ but m$ ans/ering machine is& so $ou can tal( to it instead.9ait %or the beep.

Hello& $ou+'e reached


26/39

doing it le%t to right ... real slo/l$. So lea'e a message& and /hen /e+re done brushingour teeth& /e+ll get bac( to $ou.

$ /i%e and can+t come to the phone right no/& but i% $ou+ll lea'e$our name and number& /e+ll get bac( to $ou as soon as /e+re %inished.

Hi. am probabl$ home. +m ?ust a'oiding someone don+t li(e.ea'e me a message& and i% don+t call bac(& it+s $ou.

A is %or academics& is %or beer. ne o% those reasons is /h$ /e+renot here. So lea'e a message.

Hi. #his is


27/39

B'er$thing should be made as simple as possible& but no simpler.

*riends ma$ come and go but enemies accumulate.

t+s hard to be nostalgic /hen $ou can+t remember an$thing good.

ha'e seen the truth and it ma(es no sense.

#o li'e %ore'er& acCuire a chronic disease and ta(e care o% it.

Suicide is the most sincere %orm o% sel%criticism.

% $ou thin( that there is good in e'er$bod$& $ou ha'en+t met e'er$bod$.

% $ou can smile /hen things go /rong& $ou ha'e someone in mind to blame.

ne se'enth o% $our li%e is spent on onda$.

#he more $ou run o'er a dead cat& the %latter it gets.

Happiness is good health and a bad memor$.

As( me about micro /a'ing cats %or %un and pro%it@

en are li(e %ish. Neither /ould get into trouble i% the$ onl$ (ept their mouths shut.

Stressed is ?ust desserts spelled bac(/ards@

#his car protected b$ antithe%t stic(er.

ur aim is to (eep this restroom clean. our aim /ould help. Seen in a gas station bathroom

9h$ did the sno/man pull do/n his pants0ecause he sa/ a sno/blo/er coming@@

#he suspense is terrible. hope it /ill last.scar 9ilde last /ords

i%e is a se>uall$ transmitted disease& and it+s 1J %atal.

)on+t close $our e$es %or the crash- $ou+ll miss the best part)ruce acnnes& S(ip arber

ri'ing School instructor

A nuclear /ar can ruin $our /hole da$.


28/39

lo'e li'ing single& drin(ing double& and sleeping triple.Hunter cGirt

ord& grant me the serenit$ to accept the things can not change& the courage to changethe things can& and the /isdom to hide the bodies o% those had to (ill because the$pissed me o%%.

either /ant less corruption& or more chance to participate in it.

B>perience is that mar'elous thing that enables $ou recogni!e a mista(e /hen $ou ma(eit again.

#here is nothing %riendlier than a /et dog.

Solution to t/o o% the /orlds ma?or problems, *eed the homeless to the hungr$...

:lans o% long ago that /anted to get rid o% their un/anted people /ithout (illing them

use to burn their houses do/n hence the e>pression )to get %ired.)

)9e pra$ %or acArthur+s erection.)Sign erected b$


29/39

Sa'e a tree... Bat a bea'er@

$ parents sa/ the president the$ lo'ed get shot in the head. sa/ m$ president gethead.

/as shit scared o% c$berspace& so do/nloaded in m$ pants.

)t is better to be pissed o%% than pissed on.)

*emales do pursue me& i% $ou count mosCuitos.

*riends help %riends mo'e... =BA %riends help %riends mo'e bodies.

SA, ad& /h$ are $ou dedicating $ou li%e to blasphem$0HB=, on+t /orr$& s/eetheart. % +m /rong& +ll recant on m$ deathbed.

#he Simpsons

Good health is merel$ the slo/est /a$ to die.

n light o% the rising %reCuenc$ o% humanPgri!!l$ bear encounters& the ontanaepartment o% *ish and Game is ad'ising hi(ers& bac(pac(ers& hunters& and %ishermen tota(e e>tra precautions and (eep alert %or bears.9e ad'ise outdoorsmen to /ear nois$ little bells on their clothing so that the bears arenot startled une>pectedl$ b$ a human+s presence. 9e also ad'ise outdoorsmen to carr$pepper spra$ /ith them in case o% an encounter /ith a bear.t is also a good idea to /atch %or %resh signs o% bear acti'it$. utdoorsmen shouldrecogni!e the di%%erence bet/een blac( bear poop and gri!!l$ bear poop. lac( bear poopis smaller and contains lots o% berries and sCuirrel %ur. Gri!!l$ bear poop smells li(epepper and has little bells in it.

ontana Gri!!l$ ear Notice

A man being admitted into a mental institution, )#he$ called me mad. called them mad.And damn them the$ out'oted me.)

nce /ept %or had no shoes. #hen met a man /ith no %eet& so too( his shoes. mean& it /asn+t as i% he /as going to need them.

/as /al(ing do/n the street /hen this man hammering on his roo% called me a paranoidlittle %rea(... n morse code.

Here+s a toast #o those /ho challenge us to mind games& but %orget to bring theireCuipment@

ic(e$ ouse is a rat.

*or re%und& insert bab$ here.Gra%%iti on condom machine


30/39

9i%e and dog missing. =e/ard %or the dog.umper Stic(er

:an+t sleep clo/ns /ill eat me... :an+t sleep clo/ns /ill eat me... :an+t sleep clo/ns /illeat me... :an+t sleep clo/ns /ill eat me... :an+t sleep clo/ns /ill eat me...

art Simpson

uch can be accomplished /ith a smile. ore can be accomplished /ith a smile and agun.

Al :apone

As $ou+re reading /hat +'e put&ou are pissing on $our %oot

Gra%%iti abo'e a urinal

#he$ sa$ that e'er$ hour $ou spend e>ercising is another hour added on to $our li%e. ut/hat good is all that time i% $ou spend it on e>ercise0

Sorr$ +'e missed church& +'e been bus$ practicing /itchcra%t and becoming a lesbian. umper Stic(er

#he more people meet& the more li(e m$ dog... and don+t e'en ha'e a dog.

) see@) sa$s the blind man& as he pisses in the %an& )t all comes bac( to me no/...)

9hen +m %eeling do/n& li(e to /histle. t ma(es the neighbor+s dog run to the end o% hischain and gag himsel%.

% someone /ith multiple personalities threatens to (ill hersel%& is it considered a hostagesituation0

*or Sale, ne arachute.8sed nce.Ne'er pened.Slightl$ Stained.

am isle>ic o% org. =esistance is *utile. repare to ha'e $our ass laminated.

% $ou+'e ne'er seen an elephant s(i& $ou+'e ne'er been on acid.

+m al/a$s getting scre/ed b$ the s$stem. #hat+s m$ lot in li%e. +m the s$stem+s bitch.

)#he best de%ense against the atom bomb is not to be there /hen it goes o%%.)ritish Arm$


31/39

him to isne$/orld& but reall$ too( him to a burned do/n old /arehouse. )h no&) said& )isne$/orld has burned do/n.) He cried and cried& but thin( that deep do/n& hethought it /as a prett$ good ?o(e. #hen started to ta(e him to the real isne$/orld& butit /as dar(& so /ent home.

9arning, (eep out o% children. ;orean (itchen (ni%e instructions

Not to be used %or the other use.


32/39

=eincarnation, i%e suc(s& then $ou die& then li%e suc(s again.

+m not smiling because $our ?o(e /as %unn$... +m smiling because (no/ $ou+ll be deadsomeda$.

+'e ne'er gone to bed /ith an ugl$ /oman& but +'e sure /o(en up /ith a %e/.

#/o =ules o% Success , 1" on+t tell e'er$thing $ou (no/.

) ha'e a genetic abnormalit$ generall$ considered to be asscociated /ith high rates o%certain sociall$ abhorrent beha'iors, am male.)

urial compan$ slogan, )9e+re the last people to put $ou do/n.)

)#ell a man there are 4 billion stars in the s($& and he+ll belie'e $ou& but tell him the paintis /et& and he still has to touch it)

ic(ing puss$ is li(e pla$ing /ith the ma%ia, one /rong mo'e and $our in deep shit.

Sa'e a co/& eat a 'egetarian

#op 1 things men (no/ about /omen.1.2.3.4.5.6.7.K.I.1. 9omen ha'e boobs.

$ (id /ould ha'e been an Honor Student but... had an abortion@

+m s/eating li(e a pedophile in a nurser$

on+t trust an$thing that bleeds %or 5 da$s and doesn+t die.

ha'e a head& but no e$es& ha'e a mouth& but cannot spea(. 9hen get up& +m sho'ed

into a stright ?ac(et& thrusted into a /et dar( hole repeatedl$ until thro/ up on m$sel%&then %orced to do it again@ And the onl$ compan$ ha'e to gi'e me an$ com%ort at all aret/o hair$ nuts@

iar$ o% a dic(

)#oda$ is the %irst da$ o% the rest o% $our li%e celebrate no/@)Gra%%iti


33/39

)t+s me and $ou against the /orld. So /hen do /e attac(0) Gra%%iti

)% $ou can read this $ou+re not aiming in the right direction.)#oiletceiling gra%%iti

)e care%ul our %amil$+s %uture is in $our hands.)#oilet gra%%iti

)Guitargroups ha'e no %uture.)Bmanager %or eatles 1I62

% ar/in+s theor$ o% e'olution /as correct& cats /ould be able to operate a can opener b$no/.)

An$one /ho uses the phrase )eas$ as ta(ing cand$ %rom a bab$) has ne'er tried ta(ingcand$ %rom a bab$.

#he moon can+t %all do/n because it is in orbit. An orbit is the interaction o% acombination o% %orces such as gra'it$& inertia& centri%ugal %orce and others that resultin a per%ect balance. Ne'ertheless& it is a good idea to sta$ indoors as much as possible

got a dog and named him )Sta$). No/& go ):ome here& Sta$@). A%ter a /hile& the dog/ent insane and /ouldn+t mo'e at all.

=ight no/ +m ha'ing amnesia and de?a'u at the same time. thin( +'e %orgotten thisbe%ore.

n m$ house there+s this light s/itch that doesn+t do an$thing. B'er$ so o%ten /ould %lic(it on and o%% ?ust to chec(.

n the other hand& $ou ha'e di%%erent %ingers.

Some %riends o% mine got me a s/eater %or m$ birthda$. +d ha'e pre%erred a moaner or ascreamer& but the s/eater /as ;.

#he nternet is a great /a$ to get on the Net.ob ole

A li%e 0 :ool @ 9here can do/nload one o% those %rom 0

am not a 'egetarian because lo'e animals- am a 'egetarian because hate plants.

i%e ma$ ha'e no meaning. r e'en /orse& it ma$ ha'e a meaning o% /hich disappro'e.

#he sooner all the animals are e>tinct& the sooner /e+ll %ind their mone$.

Nothing is %oolproo% to a su%%icientl$ talented %ool.


34/39

#here ain+t no de'il& there+s ?ust God /hen he+s drun(. #om 9aits

All emplo$ees, lease piss on $our hands be%ore returning to /or(- the /ater here is%ilth$.

athroom /all

#he /a$ into a /oman+s soul is through her e$es and the /a$ into her heart is through hermind.#he /a$ into a man+s soul is through his mouth& and the /a$ into his heart is through hispants.

Some people sa$ )shoot) instead o% )shit.) #he$ can+t %ool me& man. )Shoot) is )shit) /itht/o o+s. George :arlin

9e spend nine months tr$ing to get out& and the rest o% our li'es tr$ing to get bac( in.en+s room gra%%iti

Se> on # is bad. ou ma$ %all o%%.

ou laugh at me because +m di%%erent. laugh because $ou are all the same@

An$thing that is too stupid to be spo(en is sung.

% /omen ran the /orld /e /ouldn+t ha'e /ars& ?ust intense negotiations e'er$ 2K da$s.=obin 9illiams

9hen /as a lad& there /as onl$ one German$& at'ia& Bstonia& ;ha!achstan&Busbe(istan& osnia& Her!ego'ina- and then it all changed. And then it all changed bac(again. #hose changes cost the li'es o% 66 million people. ut it didn+t cost me a penn$ +cause (ept m$ old atlas.

ld an

% $our robbing a ban( and $ou pants %all do/n& thin( it+s o(a$ to laugh. And let thehostages laugh too& becasue mean& come on& i%e is %unn$@

t /as a bra'e man /ho ate the %irst o$ster.


35/39

9elcome to oser'ille. opulation, $ou. billboard

9e ma$ act& loo(& and %eel li(e idiots& but at least /e+re ha'ing %un in the process.

ne night& /as l$ing in bed loo(ing up at the stars& /hen suddenl$ said to m$sel%&)He$& /here the Hell did m$ ceiling go0)

ou can pic( $our %riends and $ou can pic( $our nose& but $ou should ne'er pic( $our%riends nose.

thin( all the stars are salt& and God+s gonna+ eat us all

B'er$one has issues e>cept me ha'e a damn subscription.

Bs(imo+s ha'e 4I /ords in their language to de%ine sno/ because the$ ha'e so much o%

it. n the english language& there are more then 5 /a$s to de%ine a moron...Accept the some da$s $ou are the pigeon and some da$s $ou are the statue.

a$ $our li%e be li(e toilet paper long and use%ul@

Here stand and hesitateShould piss or masturbate 000 #oilet Gra%%iti

+m more con%used than a horn$ bise>ual in a mass org$.

#he onl$ real proo% that there is intelligent li%e in outer space is that the$ ha'e ne'er triedto contact us.

ord help me to be the person m$ dog thin(s am.

belie'e that 5 out o% 4 people are bad at %ractions.

don+t brea( the rules. merel$ test their elasticit$

#he onl$ /a$ +m meeting the girl o% m$ dreams tonight is i% go to sleep.

$ doctor told me not to drin( an$ more& so don+t. don+t drin( an$ less& but don+t

drin( an$ more.

drin( to ma(e other people appear more intelligent... drin( a lot.

9e ha'e reason to belie'e that man %irst /al(ed upright to %ree his hands %ormasturbation.

our 'illage called& their idiot is missing.


36/39

umper Stic(er

% m$ theor$ o% relati'it$ is pro'en correct& German$ /ill claim me as a German and*rance /ill declare that am a citi!en o% the /orld. Should m$ theor$ pro'e untrue&*rance /ill sa$ that am a German and German$ /ill declare that am a


37/39

$ God& /ear the pants in this house. $ /i%e ?ust tells me /hich pair to /ear.

God put me on earth to do a certain number o% things. =ight no/ +m so %ar behind +llne'er die.

;no/ledge pursues me& but am %aster.

ou (no/& somebod$ actuall$ complimented me on m$ dri'ing toda$. #he$ le%t a littlenote on the /indscreen& it said )ar(ing *ine.)

)9e li'e in a countr$ /here bullets in the chest. o(o no isstanding right ne>t to him. She ta(es not one %uc(ing bullet. B>plain that to me@ B>plainthat to me@)

9e don+t ha'e a to/n drun(. 9e all share the responsibilit$.ean people suc(& nice people s/allo/.

Some shot glass

ne b$ ne the penguins steal m$ sanit$.... #shirt

ets ma(e li(e a %etus and head out

i%e is li(e a bo> o% chocolates. Ho/e'er& it ma$ contain traces o% nuts.

lood is thic(er than /ater and tastier than /ine.

Suicide is a /a$ o% telling God )$ou can+t %ire me... F8#.)

bus$/or(,n" busQ$Q/or( - bi!e/Rr(+ Acti'it$& such as school/or( or o%%ice /or(&meant to ta(e up time but not necessaril$ $ield producti'e results.

Accountants are the best lo'ers. #he$ can do it all night long and (eep their balance@

*ree puppies, 1P2 coc(er spaniel& 1P2 snea($ neighbor+s dog.

arbie suc(s& but ;en ain+t complaining.umper Stic(er

% )7 out o% 1 men su%%er %rom hemorrhoids&) does that mean the other 3 en?o$ them0

t+s not that am antisocial. ?ust don+t li(e $ou.#shirt

+'e got problem %or $our solution...

9e+re not lost. 9e+re ?ust locationall$ challenged.


38/39

Nice egs@ 9hat time do the$ open0 Shirt in Store

s/ear to drun( +m not god.

F, 9hat+s green and smells li(e por(0A, ;ermit the %rog+s %ingers

% a mute s/ears& does his mom /ash his hands /ith soap0

isa& 'ampires are ma(ebelie'e& li(e el'es& gremlins& and es(imos.Homer& #he Simpsons

F. Ho/ do $ou ma(e blac( blac(er0A. Add er.

Grammar is not a time o% /aste@

9hen /as a bo$ o% %ourteen& m$ %ather /as so ignorant could hardl$ stand to ha'e theold man around. ut /hen got to be t/ent$one& /as astonished at ho/ much he hadlearned in se'en $ears.

ar( #/ain

God is dead. Niet!scheNiet!sche is dead. GodNiet!sche is God. ead

9ormhole tra'el is all 'er$ /ell& but /hat happens i% $ou meet a /orm in it0

Anal Se> is bad... no i%s& ands& or buts @@@

A priest& a rabbi& and a minister /al( into a bar. #he bartender sa$s )9hat is this& some(ind o% ?o(e0)

9hat (ind o% person goes out o% their /a$& gets a permanent pen& and goes into a stin($bathroom& ?ust to scribble nonsense on the /all& so others can read it0athroom Gra%%iti

#he great thing about being a pessimist is that $ou are either al/a$s right& or plesantl$dispro'en

tTs not that don+t belie'e in Santa :laus. ?ust donTt li(e him.

i%e is li(e a roll o% toilet paper. #he closer it gets to the end& the %aster it goes.

Here lies the bod$ o% eslie oore*our slugs %rom a .44No es& no oore


39/39

Bpitaph

rugs cause amnesia& and other things can+t rememberumper Stic(er

8 hold the nation+s %uture in $our hands@8rinal Gra%%iti

6251.0.the golden book of quotes

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