5 steps to launching your new life | psychology today

8/10/2019 5 Steps to Launching Your New Life | Psychology Today

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Im decisiv e and its easy for me to set my sights on the future. Idont rely on other peoples advice much. I focus on whats next, Idont look back, and I deal with emotional and other fallout withoutmuch fuss.Im not great at self-starting and I can get easily derailed. If Imstressed, I overthink things and end up procrastinating. I have

trouble getting over setbacks, and what other people think of me isvery important.

If the first statement f its you, youre action oriented , accordi ng to a theorycalled Personality Systems Action (PSI) which focuses on emotionalregulati on and coping skills. You are likely to initiate action under demand ing circumstancesput another way, you're a clutch pl ayer. But if the second statement captures you in broad strokes, you are state-oriented, and declaring your independence may be a challenge. Thesepeop leamounting to roughly half of usare very reactive to negativecues , have trouble managing their negative emotions, and do best whensom e one is giving them dir ectives.

But heres the good news: Once you realize t hat you're state-oriented,

ech Su pportationships in t he digital age

P eg Streep

Steps to Lau nching Your New Lifeearch-based tips for reinvention, starting today.

ished on July 1, 2014 by Peg Streep in Tech Support

Is there a decision youre putting off, or a change in your life thatyou want to make but youre feeling too angsty to make ithappen? Do you keep asking everyone for advice that leavesyou more confused than ever about what, if anything, you oughtto do?

Maybe its time to declare your independence.

Im not suggesting you go off the grid in a hideout on amountain. But sometimes, youve got to be able to go it alone

you and by you. If youre tired of running in circles or feeling stuck, maybe its time to take a differentk.

e are 5 strategies drawn from research to get you going:

Know how you ll r eact to st ress .

en a decision looms and yo u feel under the gun, which of these statements describes you best?

Peg Streep , author or coauthonine books, is a New York City bwriter currently working on a boabout the Millennial generation.more...

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there are pro-active things you can do. Research by Sander L. Koole andDaniel L. Fockenberg suggests that by working consciously to change your emotional contextthinking of a relaxing time in your life when yourestressed to the max, for examplecan help you become as independentand actually more unresponsive to negative cues than action-orientedpeers. By seeking the support of those you trust, combined with aconscious awareness of where you ultimately want to end up, youll findyourself more capable of decisive action.

2. Take on your own fear of loss.

All human beings are hardwired to be loss aversive; it just comes with theterritory, as the Nobel Prize-winning work of Amos Twersky and DanielKahneman showed. Among the habits of mind that keep us firmly tetheredis the sunk-cost fallacy , which has to be tackled so that you can actuallyconsider your options. The sunk-cost fallacy refers to how we focusexclusively on whatever we have already invested in a job, a situation, or arelationshiptime, money, effortwhen we think about making a change.But this stance guarantees that we stay put no matter how unhappy itmakes us. On the face of it, this kind of thinkingIve already got fiveyears invested in my relationship and all that time will be wasted if I breakit upisnt very logical, since it only guarantees that your investment willincrease over time, but not that your misery will decrease. Once yourecognize the fallacy, you can take steps to actively combat it by thinking of viable alternatives that would deliver more happiness and satisfaction thanwhere you are now, and figuring out a route to your new tomorrow.

3. Make sure youre deciding, not sliding.

These terms are taken from a very counterintuitivetrust me, you will besurprisedstudy on how living together before marriage actually ispredictive of future marital problems. Some 50 to 60 percent of all couplescohabit before marriage in the United States; most people see it as a tryoutof sorts, a way of seeing whether or not their relationship will be seaworthyin the long run. It turns out, though, that the effect of living together beforemarriage is actually deleteriousstudies have shown that people whocohabited demonstrated lower levels of commitment, less confidence inthe relationship, and more negative interactions. Scott M. Stanley and hiscolleagues have posited that living together actively erodes commitment.While getting engaged and married force you to confront your choicesconsciously and directly, living together is a much more ambiguous state.

People end up living together for a multitude of reasons that have nothingto do with commitment, like convenience and saving money. And so alarge proportion of people tend to slide into marriage rather than activelydeciding to wed. This is a function of relationship inertia; while it takes realwork to break up with someone youre already living withdealing with a

joint lease, shared belongings, a pet, etc.its easy enough to just slideinto marriage as the next logical step. Ill bet you can name at least onecouple in your social circle who slid into marriage in this way. The problem

is that sliding doesnt raise your level of commitment, either to your partner or the institution of marriage.

Inertia and the phenomenon of sliding can apply to other parts of your lifeas well. Its easy enough to take a job and slide into one promotion after another without asking yourself whether you really want to be there in thefirst place. The takeaway lesson is to remain alert and sensitive to your decision-making processes, and to review them often and carefully to stayindependent.

4. Plan it out.

Thinking about your future isnt nearly as effective as writing down your goals . The success born of mapping out your goals turns out not to be anurban legend, as a study done at McGill and Toronto Universities showed.

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And given the recent study by Pam Mueller and Daniel Oppenheimer showing that using a laptop to take notes encouraged more shallowthinking than writing by hand, you should probably do your planning withpen and paper.

Divide your goals into two columns, one devoted to short-term goals andthe other to long-term goals. Aligning them in this way will help youdetermine whether any are in conflict, and permit you to think about whatthat conflict means in real terms. For example, if your goal is to make moremoney and get promoted at company, how will you reconcile that withanother goal of spending more time with family and friends?

Review the columns and ask yourself how many of your goals are extrinsicor intrinsic. Extrinsic goals are those which are means to other ends (likemaking money); may have been imposed on you by the expectations of others (such as parents or spouses); or are aimed at garnering socialposition and recognition. Intrinsic goals are central to your sense of self.They define you; are valuable and satisfying in and of themselves; andcontribute to a sense of meaning in your life. Science recognizes that thehealthiest, happiest people are those with largely intrinsic goals andaspirations.

5. Be sure youre in it to win it.

In her book, Commit To Win, psychology professor (and fellow Psychology

Today blogger) Heidi Reeder suggests the following formula:

(Treasures - Troubles) + Contributions - Choices = Level of Commitment

I think its a fresh way of looking at commitment. Let me offer a brief explanation based on Reeder's work:

Treasures are the rewards you derive from an activity, and they may beintrinsic or extrinsic. Troubles are the prices you pay for those rewardsyour long commute which has you miss all your kid's recitals, or your boss'unfortunate habit of springing last-minute deadlines so that you're alwayscanceling plans. This part of the equation has you looking at benefitsversus costs.

Contributions are the actions you take in pursuit of a goal. Reeder breaksthem down into four categories time, talent, tenderness , and tangibles .Time and talent are self-explanatory; tenderness refers to your emotionalinvestment. Tangibles include money and material resources.

In Reeders equation, your contributionswhat you are actively putting innoware balanced by the choices or alternatives you might be pursuinginstead. That, in turn, will lead to figuring your level of commitment.

The truth is that imagining those alternatives is difficult for many of us andrequires some independent, out-of-the-box thinking. Its here that the sunk-cost fallacy and other biases often stop us in our tracks as we wrack our brains to figure out where we could be instead of where we find ourselves.

Declaring personal independence isnt always easy nor is making achange in your life. But it can be done.

Copyright Peg Streep 2014

VISIT ME ON FACEBOOK : www.Facebook.com/PegStreepAuthor

READ MY NEW BOOK: Mastering the Art of Quitting: Why It Mattersin Life, Love, and Work

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Love & LustWho says marriage is where desgoes to die?

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4/4

Koole, Sander L. and Nils B. Jostmann, Getting A Grip on Your Feelings: Effects

of Action Orientation on Intrusion Affect Regulation, Journal of Personality and

Social Psychology, 87, no. 6 (2004), 974-990.

Stanley, Scott M., Galena Kline Rhoades, and Howard J. Markman, Sliding

Versus Decuding: Inertia and the Premaritial Cohabitation Effect, Family

Relations 55 ()ctober 2006), 499-509.

Morisano, Dominque, Jacob B. Hirsh, Jordan B. Peterson, Robert O. Pihl, and

Bruc M. Shore, Setting, Elaborating, and Reflecting on Personal Goals

Improves Academic Performance, Journal of Applied Psychology, 85, no.2,

(2010), 255-264.

Mueller, Pam S. and Daniel M. Oppenheimer, The Pen is Mightier than the

Keyboard: Advantages of Longhand over Laptop Note Taking, Psychological

Science (April 23,2014) DOI: 10.1177/0956797614524581

Reeder, Heidi. Commit to Win. New York: Hudson Street Press, 2014.

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