134 knighty knight

The Fairly OddParents

“Knighty Knight”#134

Please respond with notes by 9.19.01

Story By:Tim McIntire and The Laugh a Lots

Written By:Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas

First Draft: 8.31.01Final Draft:9.14.01

Nickelodeon Animation Studiosc 2000 Viacom International Inc. All rights reserved

The Fairly OddParents: “Knighty Knight” final script by Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel and Jack Thomas

FADE IN:

EXT. - DIMMSDALE - DAY

The Camera PUSHES IN as we...

DISSOLVE TO:

A SIGN READING "DIMMSDALE CAMELOT FESTIVAL."

Widen to reveal - TIMMY, COSMO AND WANDA near the sign.

TIMMYOh boy! The 595th annual Dimmsdale Camelot Festival! Where you get to dress up and act like people from the middle ages!

POOF! Cosmo turns into a 45 YEAR OLD MAN with gray temples, a paunch, bifocals, and receding hairline.

COSMOCool! I'm middle aged!

(beat; instantly angry)YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!

WANDANot those middle ages...

TIMMYNo, I mean the long-ago time of knights and dragons and wizards! This shall be most awesome!! But I'm gonna need the best Knight costume ever!

Cosmo and Wanda wave their wands and POOF! Wanda becomes a HORSE, COSMO A SHIELD with a coat of arms that looks suspiciously like his face, and Timmy is now a KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. Several REAR-VIEW MIRRORS and a ROLLS-ROYCE-TYPE HOOD ORNAMENT pop out of his helmet.

TIMMY Cool! I mean...ZOUNDS!

COSMOYeah! That armor gets forty miles to the joust!

BAMF! An AIR BAG deploys in Timmy's face.

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TIMMYOoof!

WANDAAnd it has standard air bags!!

TIMMYNormal armor, please.

POOF! Wands are waved and Timmy now has a relatively normal - yet still very cool - suit of armor.

TIMMYCome!! Let us sally forth into yonder fair!

CUT TO:

EXT. - THE FAIRGROUNDS - CONTINUOUS

Timmy - sans the rear-view mirrors - heroically rides in with a triumphant fanfare... to see the worst fair ever. Timmy rides up to a GUY in the CRUDDIEST KNIGHT SUIT ever.

TIMMYGreetings fellow knight! Shalst we quest for the Grail?

CRAPPY KNIGHTJoust? I'm just here to point to where the porta-potties are.

(points with his sword)Over there!

When he reaches to point, we see the six foot tall knight is actually a two foot tall guy behind a cardboard KNIGHT CUT-OUT.

TIMMYThanks for the info, Sir Lance A Little!

CRAPPY KNIGHTThey always call me that here!

He sobs into his hands and, as he does, a SECOND CUT OUT falls, revealing that he's actually one foot tall.

THE CAMERA FOLLOWS as Timmy, Wanda and Cosmo trot on.

TIMMY

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Well, that stunk. Well, maybe we can at least find a wizard!

Suddenly, a CHEESY SALESMAN in a WIZARD SUIT pokes into frame.

WIZARDDid somebody say wizard?

TIMMYWhat kind of wizard are you?

WIZARDI'm...the Cleaning Wizard!

He dramatically opens his ROBE to reveal a wide array of CHEESY TV SPRAY BOTTLES AND CLEANING OBJECTS.

WIZARD How many times has this happened to you? You're riding in the forest, when suddenly...

He tosses a big handful of cow MANURE on Cosmo.

COSMOHey!

WIZARDYou get cow manure on your talking shield! Well, the cleaning wizard makes almost all of it go away!

TIMMYAlmost? No thanks...

COSMOThis is no way to treat a man my age.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. - NEAR A SIDE SHOW TENT - MOMENTS LATER

A sign reads "SEE THE DRAGON!!!" as the three trot up.

TIMMYCool! I mean..."Verily!" An ACTUAL DRAGON!

CUT TO:

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INT. - THE TENT - SECONDS LATER

CLOSE ON AN ACTUAL DRAGON HEAD, looking mean and ferocious.

TIMMY (O.S.)Wow. That's really...

WIDEN TO REVEAL The dragon is actually a "CHIHUAHUA" wearing a DRAGON HEAD. Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda stand in front of it, towering over it like behemoths.

TIMMY Pathetic.

TIMMY Man, this fair stinks! Could it be any more horrible?

Timmy turns to see a COW standing next to him.

DAD (V.O.)Mooo...ve over Timmy!

MOM (V.O.)We can't see the dragon!

TIMMYMom? Dad!

MOM AND DAD pop out of the COW OUTFIT. Mom's the head and Dad, of course, is the butt.

DADIsn't this a great fair? Look what I bought! The Cleaning Wizard!

Dad pulls out a bottle of Cleaning Wizard and hurls a pile of manure on Cosmo. Dad starts wiping it off Cosmo's face.

DAD And this manure almost comes all the way off!

MOM Are you having fun, Timmy?

TIMMYNo. This is the worst Camelot fair ever!

DAD

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Camelot?

Dad pulls out a MAP, and a pair of reading GLASSES and checks the map.

DAD I thought this was the state fair!(folds map up, puts glasses in pocket)Well, I'm gonna win a blue ribbon anyway!

Dad leaves, dragging Mom (the head) with him.

MOMBye, Son!

Timmy peers out of the tent.

TIMMYThe knight's short, the wizard's a salesman, the dragon's fake and people are throwing manure at us!

COSMOUs?!?!

Timmy turns back to Cosmo and Wanda.

TIMMY You know what? I wish we were all in the real middle ages!

Cosmo and Wanda wave their wands and... POOF!

ON TIMMY - the magic smoke clears. Timmy peers out of the tent and sees:

TIMMY'S POV - Like Dorothy first seeing the splendor of the land of Oz, Timmy sees the Glory that is Medieval England!! We see a majestic CASTLE in the distance. WIDEN to reveal it's on a lush GREEN HILLSIDE, surrounded by a lush GREEN FOREST, ensconced in a lush GREEN VALLEY.

ON TIMMY - Who exits the tent riding Wanda and carrying his Cosmo shield.

TIMMY This is great! We're actually in the middle ages!

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WANDAWell, that's what you wished for, Sport!

COSMOBut here, it's just called "The ages!"

Suddenly, a SHADOW falls over Timmy. He looks up to see a gigantic, armor clad KNIGHT riding a majestic, armor clad BLACK STEED.

SIR FINKLEBERGWhat ho, Tiny Knight with a shield that smells like a hundred horses' butts?!

TIMMY"What ho" back atchya!

SIR FINKLEBERGI am on my way to pull the sword from the stone and claim my rightful place as King of England.

TIMMYAnd you are...?

SIR FINKLEBERGI have many names -- The Shining Knight, The Hammer of Fury, but you, my fellow knight, maybe call me:

(beat)Sir Finkleberg.

TIMMYFinkleberg? What kind of dumb name is Finkle...

The horse rears it's mighty hoof and FOOM! Flattens Timmy, Wanda and Cosmo like a bug. Sir Finkleberg trots off.

ANGLE ON HUGE HOOFPRINT - Timmy - disheveled and dazed - looks up.

TIMMY Cool! I got pounded on by Sir Finkleberg!

Suddenly, Mom and Dad -- still in the cow suit -- walk into scene.

MOMHello, Timmy!

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DADWhere'd you get the dented, smelly shield?

TIMMYUh... Talking-smelly-shields dot Camelot?

DADOf course! The internet's first stop for talking smelly shields! Come on, Honey, let's find the snack shop!

MOMSure! I'm udderly hungry.

DAD Then let's get a moo-ve on!

Mom and Dad trot off, their cow bell jingling.

TIMMYWhat are they doing here?

WANDAWell, you wished for all of us to come back!

TIMMYI can't have my Mom and Dad running around the middle ages in a cow suit... Get them out of here!

ON MOM AND DAD near a BUSH, still attached in the cow suit. The Dad half is obscured by the bush as Dad is clearly, yet subtly going to the bathroom.

MOMI told you to go before we got in the suit!

DADI'll only be a second -- I just have to move this udder!

Suddenly, from nowhere, a huge fire-breathing DRAGON swoops out of the sky, grabs Mom and Dad, and sails off over the horizon.

DRAGON<<SCREEECH!>>

ON TIMMY, COSMO AND WANDA

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TIMMYDid you?

COSMO AND WANDANo...

TIMMYThen that was...

COSMO AND WANDAYes...

TIMMYNeat! (beat) OH MY GOSH!

Timmy gallops after the dragon but the dragon is too fast.

TIMMY I can't catch up! My parents are gonna be eaten by a dragon! I need a weapon of some kind!

POOF! Cosmo changes back to normal.

COSMOHey, I've been covered with dung and water all day. If you think I'm gonna get covered in dragon guts, you're out of your mind!

TIMMYYeah. You're right. I'll make Wanda the sword.

WANDAWhat? NO! Hey, how about the big, glowing magical sword over there.

TIMMY'S POV - We pan through a LINE OF KNIGHTS, waiting to take a crack at freeing... THE SWORD IN THE STONE. It is sticking of a stone (hence the name). An ARMORED HAND reaches in and grabs the hilt. We widen to reveal that it is, none other than - SIR FINKLEBERG - who is about to try and yank it free.

SIR FINKLEBERGI, Sir Finkleberg, doth claim this sword, Excalibur, as...

He tugs... But to no avail. WE hear a pop, and his shoulder dislocates.

SIR FINKLEBERG

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AAAAA! MY ARM! My arm that has slain a thousand men!

A court JESTER walks up to Sir Finkelberg.

COURT JESTERAw... But ya gave it a good try..and We have some lovely parting gifts for you!

The jester hands the knight a MINIATURE SWORD IN THE STONE.

COURT JESTER The "Sword in the Stone" home game!

Finkleberg grasps the toy sword between his forefinger and thumb.

SIR FINKLEBERGI claim this sword as...

POP! HE dislocates his finger.

SIR FINKLEBERG AAAAA!

Finkleberg sulks OS.

COURT JESTERLet's hear it for him, huh? Next up, number 897! Please give a rousing 15th century welcome to... Arthur Liebowitz!

LITTLE ARTIE LEIBOWITZ AND MERLIN THE MAGICIAN walk to the sword in the stone. Arthur -- a completely nerdy shlub, with horn-rimmed glasses and a bowl haircut - steps up to the sword.

MERLINThat's King Arthur Liebowitz to you!

(to Artie)Okay, Artie... I've already cast the spell...The next shmoe who yanks the sword is gonna be the King of England. Got it?

Artie is a nervous, nebbishy, squinty, young boy. He clearly has bad vision. Artie talks to a TREE.

ARTIEWhatever you say, Uncle Merlin.

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Merlin spins him around.

MERLINI'm over here, Kid. And once you've get the sword, I can hock it for gold and get us out of this rat-hole town!

Artie -- blind as a bat -- tries to pull a TWIG out of a PILE OF LEAVES.

MERLIN (embarrassed)

No... No... Over there.

Merlin sets Artie right. Just as Artie is about to pull the sword out, Timmy swoops in and yanks it out first. He now holds the mighty sword - EXCALIBUR!

TIMMYSorry. No time. Parents a food group. Dragon to slay. Gotta run!

Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda thunder heroically over a HILL.

COURT JESTER(re: Timmy)

'Tis the new king of England!

Sir Finkleberg steps in.

SIR FINKLEBERGHe of pink horse and rank shield! We must follow his glorious path!

Finkleberg raises his sword in glory... And dislocates his arm yet again.

SIR FINKLEBERG AAAA!

The rest of the CROWD raises FLAGS with TIMMY'S "CREST" already upon it.

CROWDAll hail king... (beat)(Walla) what was that kid's name?

Merlin peeks up.

MERLIN(coughing)

Arthur!

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CROWDARTHUR! KING ARTHUR!

The crowd thunders after Timmy. Artie talks to a ROCK.

ARTIEBut, Uncle Merlin, I'm not the King.

Merlin spins Artie around.

MERLINNot yet, Artie! But I want people to get used to the idea. I'm gonna make you king. A great king. And then, more importantly, I'll be a great rich Uncle of a great king.

ARTIEBut I can't even see! Can't you use your magic to make some sort of glass thing to put in front of my eyes that improves my vision?

MERLINThat's crazy talk! Do you want them to burn you like a witch? Come on! We gotta get you kingified!

Merlin waves his hands and the two disappear in a cloud of MAGICAL MYSTERY SMOKE.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. - A CRAGGY MOUNTAIN TOP - LATER

PUSH IN ON a SCARY CAVE ENTRANCE.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. - THE DRAGON'S LAIR - SAME TIME

ANGLE ON A CORRAL with TEN TERRIFIED COWS looking out. Mom and Dad -- still in the cow suit -- look on with complete amusement.

MOM(to ordinary cow)

So? Are you enjoying the fair?

COWMoooooo.

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DADI don't care if you have a better costume, nobody MOO's my wife!

The dragon's CLAW reaches in and grabs the cow Mom and Dad are talking to. The dragon lifts the cow up to it's snout -- picks up a SALT SHAKER, salts the cow, and tosses it in his mouth.

ANGLE ON MOM AND DAD

MOM What a great, realistic Dragon ride!

DADPick us next!

CUT TO:

EXT. - FOREST - SAME TIME

ON A LINE OF SHRUBS - as Merlin and Artie <POOF> into frame.

MERLINAwright, we might have missed the sword but if we find the Holy Grail, you're sure to be king of England!

ARTIEBut I can't see anything.

MERLINMy magical powers will lead us to the Grail.

Merlin pushes the shrubs aside, only to see Timmy and his followers near a stream.

TIMMYArgh! Do my feet hurt! No wonder metal shoes never caught on. Let's rest and grab some water.

He plops down on the ground with a CLANK!

TIMMYOw!

He has sat on a CUP.

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TIMMYWhat the- A cup? Hey, did somebody drop this?

Timmy holds up the cup. His CROWD OF FOLLOWERS cheer.

CROWDHuzzah! He has found the Holy Grail!

SIR FINKLEBERGHe's even more the king than he was five minutes ago! (raises his sword - POP!) AAA!

MERLIN(fuming) Darn it!

POOF! Merlin and Artie disappear in a cloud of smoke.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. NEAR THE ENGLISH COAST

Merlin and Artie <POOF!> in just in time to see lots of BARBARIANS landing on the shore.

MERLINOkay... I'll use my magic to help you defeat the conquering horde of Huns, and your victory will make you King!

ON ATTILA THE HUN ADDRESSING HIS HORDE OF MONGOLS.

ATTILARemember men -- sack their villages and THEN burn them. I don't want a repeat of last Wednesday.

HORDE(apologetic walla)

ATTILANothing can stop us!!!

Timmy, riding Wanda and carrying Cosmo and Excalibur, trots into scene.

TIMMYHey, have you guys seen a dragon?

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ATTILAUh... Wait. There's a dragon here?

HORDE FLEE! FLEE LIKE THE WIND!

The horde and Attila run like their tushies are on fire.

ON THE CROWD OF PEOPLE FOLLOWING TIMMY

SIR FINKLEBERGHe has frightened the barbarian hordes! He has saved all of England! Again! He's the kingiest! Huzzah!(Raises his sword. POP!) AAAA!

ON MERLIN AND ARTIE

MERLINDagnabit! Well, there's no choice. The only way to get you to be king of England is for you to slay that dragon.

ARTIEYou mean, you use your magic to help me slay the dragon? Right?

MERLINNo. Dragon's are impervious to magic. You're on your own, Sport!

ARTIEWhat?

Merlin waves his hands and Artie disappears in a CLOUD OF SMOKE. Merlin pulls out an UMBRELLA DRINK and chills out.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. - DRAGON'S LAIR - LATER

Mom and Dad, still in the cow suit, stand next to one remaining cow in the corral. The dragon looks at them... and takes the last real cow.

COW Moo?

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DADHey! We were here first!

The dragon eats the last 'not Timmy's parents' cow.

MOMWell, this ride looks worth the wait! I wonder where it lets out?

CUT TO:

EXT. - BASE OF DRAGON MOUNTAIN - SAME TIME

Timmy, riding Wanda and holding his Cosmo Shield, approaches.

TIMMYI wonder if we're if close to the dragons' lair?

A steaming COW SKELETON lands directly in front of Timmy.

COSMOAs they say in the middle ages - that's a big ten four good buddy!

DAD (O.S.)Yay! We're next!

TIMMYMy parents! Guys! You gotta help me fight the dragon!

WANDAUh... actually, Timmy, dragons are impervious to magic!

COSMOSo we'll be with you in spirit!

POOF! Cosmo and Wanda poof up some SIPPY DRINKS and POOF OS.

TIMMY(BEAT) Guys?

Cosmo and Wanda <POOF!> back in.

COSMOWell, it was worth a shot.

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POOF! They ALL disappear.

CUT TO:

EXT. - THE CAVE ENTRANCE - MOMENTS LATER

Timmy pops into frame. Cosmo and Wanda pop in... And then start flickering in and out of focus.

TIMMYHey, what's up with you guys?

WANDAThe dragon's magic is too strong! It's pushing us away! It's hard to stay in focus!

COSMOWelcome to my world!

A huge PILLAR OF FIRE bursts out of the cave entrance.

WANDAGood luck Timmy!

POOF! They're gone.

DAD (O.S.)Wee!! I can see my house from here!

TIMMYMom! Dad!

Timmy, wielding Excalibur, runs into the cave.

CUT TO:

INT. - THE DRAGON'S LAIR - SECONDS LATER

Timmy runs in. In the distance, we can see Mom and Dad (in the cow suit) being lifted by the dragon. The dragon is slow roasting Mom and Dad with small bursts of FLAME.

MOMThis is so realistic!

Dad pulls out his reading glasses and looks at his hand, which is now smoking.

DAD

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I know! It actually looks and feels like I'm getting third degree burns! OW! I mean...Neat!

TIMMYHey, you big, stupid lizard! Leave my parents alone!

Timmy hurls the sword with all his might. It flies at Mom and Dad, severs the cow suit in two, splits it open and lets Mom and Dad fall free. Dad's glasses land at the foot of the dragon. The dragon eats the cow suit.

DADWell, that was anti-climactic.

MOMLet's get some Camelot pie!

Mom grabs Dad's hand to lead him OS.

DADOw! The blisters! I mean...Neat! The blisters!

Mom and Dad head off. The sword flies back into Timmy's hand like a boomerang.

TIMMYWow! This magic sword rocks!

Artie walks into frame.

ARTIEExcuse me? Have you seen a dragon around here?

The dragon spies Timmy and Artie, lets out a tremendous roar and shoots a massive FIREBALL at them. Artie just stands there.

TIMMYGet down!

Timmy leaps and pushes Artie out of the way, just as the flames shoot through scene.

TIMMY What's the matter with you?

ARTIEI don't see very well.

Timmy spots Dad's glasses by the dragon's paw.

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TIMMYWell, I can't do this by myself.Hang on, Dude.

Timmy runs at the dragon, dodging bursts of fire and dives for Dad's glasses. Luckily, he barely manages to nab them and...

DRAGON<<ROARS!!!>>

Timmy runs back and dives behind the ROCK he and Artie are hiding behind, just as a burst of flame hits it.

TIMMYHere ya go! When we die a horrible flaming death, you deserve to see it too!

Timmy places the glasses on Artie's face.

ARTIE'S POV -- we see the glasses go over his eyes. Timmy, the dragon and everything in the cave go from fuzzy to in focus.

ARTIEEverything's so clear..

ON ARTIE - getting more and more majestic and...well...royal.

ARTIE I... I can see!

(extremely deep voice)I CAN FIGHT!!!!

Artie flexes his muscles. His CAP falls off, revealing long, flowing blonde locks. He rips through his tunic revealing he's the studliest ten- year-old stud in all of England. With the most glorious back-lit glow in the history of animation, Artie stands poised for battle. Timmy hands Artie Excalibur.

TIMMYHere ya go.

ARTIEI thanketh thee. (to sword)I shall calleth thee: the "Shining Blade of Liebowitz!"

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TIMMYHow about "Excalibur"?!

ARTIEThat works too!

(to the dragon)Have at thee, Fire Demon!!!

The battle begins as Timmy hastily exits.

CUT TO:

EXT. - MOUTH OF THE CAVE - SECONDS LATER

Timmy runs out just as Cosmo and Wanda poof into scene.

COSMOHey, Sir Sport! You're not dead!

Cosmo gives Wanda five bucks.

COSMO And even though I lost a bet, I'm glad to see ya!

WANDAHow'd the battle go?

TIMMYIt was amazing! Artie's gonna kick that dragon's...

PTUI! Artie's skeleton, still wearing the glasses and holding the sword, lands at Timmy's feet. LONG BEAT.

TIMMY Uh... Guys?

WANDAWell, we could take a crack at it.

Poof! Artie, as the MANLY STUD, comes back to life. He picks up the sword.

ARTIEI can breathe!

(deep voice)I CAN FIGHT!!!

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Artie leaps into the cave. We hear another raging battle.

ARTIE (O.S.)PTUI!!!

The DRAGON'S SKELETON flies out of the mouth of the cave and sails over the cliff.

CUT TO:

EXT. - BASE OF THE MOUNTAIN - SAME TIME

Sir Finkleberg and the rest of the PEASANTS are mulling about. The dragon's skeleton lands in front of them.

SIR FINKLEBERGHe has slain the dragon! He is the true king! Huzzah!!!

Finkleberg raises his armored arm... POP! It falls off.

SIR FINKLEBERG AAA!

The peasants all look at the arm hungrily.

CROWDFOOD!!!!!!!!

They dive to the ground after their eats.

CUT TO:

EXT. - MOUTH OF THE CAVE - SAME TIME

Artie and Timmy stand triumphantly, looking down upon the crowd. Cosmo and Wanda float nearby.

CROWDAll hail King Artie!

TIMMYThat's Arthur!

CROWDWhatever!

Arthur places his hand on Timmy's shoulder.

ARTIE

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I thank thee! Pray thee -- wilst thou stay and be one of my knights of the Pentagonal Ottoman?

TIMMYUh..you might wanna go with a round table.

ARTIERight!

Merlin POOFS in.

MERLINArtie! Baby! I Knew you could do it!

Timmy and Artie share a look.

CUT TO:

EXT. - BASE OF THE MOUNTAIN - SAME TIME

Merlin, beaten and dishevelled, lands next to the hungry crowd of peasants.

CROWDOh boy! Seconds!

As the ravenous crowd dives for Merlin we...

FREEZE FRAME - camera PULLS BACK revealing the splendors of Medieval England, as though they were a picture in a storybook. In fact...

TIMMY (V.O.)And so, Artie Leibowitz became King Arthur, Sir Finkleberg, with his one arm, became the world's first slot machine, and the dragon never barbecued anyone again.

INT. TURNER LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Timmy and his parents - Dad now wears a blue ribbon - with Cosmo and Wanda in the fishbowl - are reading a KING ARTHUR STORYBOOK. On the cover, King Arthur wears HORN-RIMMED GLASSES. Timmy closes the book.

TIMMY The End.

MOMThat was a wonderful story, Timmy.

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DADThanks for reading it to us, Son. You know, with my burnt hands and bad eyes, I couldn't have held or read that book.

TIMMYNo sweat, Dad. All in a night's work.

Timmy looks at Cosmo and Wanda in the fishbowl. A Merlin-fish <POPS> in.

MERLINYou guys mind? I'm lookin' for a new gig.

FADE OUT.

THE END

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134 knighty knight

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