10 Things That Have Made All the Difference

#1 Tuesday Night Questions: We ask each other the same four questions every Tuesday night:

1. How did you feel loved this past week?

2. What does your upcoming week look like?

3. How would you feel most loved and encouraged in the days ahead?

4. How would you feel best pursued in intimacy this week?

#2 A Small Metal Box: We made a pact that each time we made love we would put a dollar in a special metal

box and save it for our 50th anniversary trip to Hawaii. This has surprisingly been a great way for us to

creatively pursue intimacy with one another. Our only advice would be to not count the money in your box.

Focus on quality, not quantity.

#3 Traveling Journal: There is a journal we share that's filled with words that would make most people blush.

We take turns writing in it, always hiding it for the other person to find in an unexpected place. Over the

years, it's been found duct taped to our shower, in suitcases when traveling, and in stockings during the

holidays. Overall, this has been a great way for us to verbally affirm and encourage one another.

#4 We (try and) Conflict Well: We strive to keep short accounts with one other by sharing our

disappointments and hurt feelings. This isn't always easy but it's necessary in maintaining marital oneness.

From experience we both know there's nothing more damaging to a relationship than harbored bitterness.

Check out this website for a great resource on how to do conflict well:

http://www.watermark.org/fileadmin/Community_Group_Resources/GROW_Resources/Lord_of_the_Rings_

Conflict_Resolution_Guide.pdf

#5 We Pray Together: One of our favorite ways to end the day is by praying together. We pray for our

friends, family, and for wisdom in our marriage. Though our prayers are usually not longer than a couple of

minutes they have made a huge difference in helping us stay spiritually connected, as well as make us more

aware of each other’s fears and insecurities.

#6 We Celebrate Each Other: We love to make a big deal out of anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, and even

smaller personal accomplishments. We are each other's biggest fans, and finding a thoughtful gift or

preparing a special meal can make the biggest difference in helping us feel known, loved, and celebrated.

#7 We Play Together: We have chosen to be active as a couple. Whether it's tossing the Frisbee, flying a kite,

going on walks, participating in adventure races, reading bedtime stories, or building forts in our living room,

playing together has helped us find our inner child. It has also reminded us that being active can be romantic.

After all, I (Emily) know deep down that Tim wants me to be his sidekick when it comes to doing "guy things"

with him. Realizing this has been critical in helping us stay connected both physically and emotionally.

#8 We Don't Do Marriage Alone: Our trusted friends have been incredibly helpful in showing us how to work

through some of the bigger issues in our marriage. Initially, being vulnerable about our struggles wasn’t easy

because of our pride and embarrassment. However, soon we began to realize that most couples were

struggling with the same things we were. Being authentic and real about our marriage has taught us that

nothing good comes from isolation; it only hinders us from truly dealing with our hurts, habits, and hang-ups.

#9 The Greatest Gift (Self Work): We realized early on in our marriage that the greatest gift we could give

each other was to know ourselves. This meant working through our family of origin junk. We all have it, but

so few actually sort through it; Celebrate Recovery helped show us how to attack our problems together,

instead of attacking each other about our problems. Go here to find out more about Celebrate Recovery here

at Watermark: http://www.watermark.org/ministries/care/celebrate-recovery/

#10 We Study One Another: Someone once told us that no matter how long you've dated your spouse, the

day you get married you’re essentially committing your life to a total stranger. This was great advice

considering how quickly people can change. To say we know each other fully after almost 6 yrs of marriage

would be a lie. There's so much about her that I don't know simply because I don’t ask. That’s why we like to

interview each other regularly. It's amazing the things you can learn about your spouse when you just take

the time to ask both fun and creative questions.

(Bonus) #10b Dude Time / Girl Time: Sometimes one of the best things we can do for our marriage is to

spend time apart. It blesses both of us when one of us is able to take a trip with friends of the same gender

because we know they meet certain needs that our spouse can't. That time has become critical to my overall

mental health and well being.

Two questions to consider:

1. How does your view of conflict impact your marriage?

2. Do you believe that you are your marriages biggest problem? If not, consider reading James 4:1

and discuss its truth with those in your group.

Tim and Emily Loerke, ReEngage, 01.26.2011