10 steps to help your marriage survive an affair

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Post on 13-Jan-2015



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If your marriage has suffered from the devastating effects of infidelity, but you are serious about fixing it and moving on with your life together, then we can definitely help. Having had our own 23-year marriage derailed by infidelity, we found the solution in the amazing power of ‘Real Love’. We now share our expertise with others as the founders of Real Love UK and would like to offer you a free copy of our new book, “10 Steps to Help Your Marriage Survive an Affair: An introduction to the amazing power of Real Love”. In this unique guide, we offer both the cheating and the cheated partner a straightforward but powerful five-step process to discover what caused the affair (there is only one reason) and what can be done to save your marriage. Inside you’ll discover… ★ What Real Love is and why it is such a powerful ingredient in a marriage ★ The real reason we have affairs (believe it or not, there is only one) ★ How to face up to your fears and take the first step towards reconciliation ★ Confronting feelings without assigning blame People from all walks of life have already experienced Real Love by working with us and had their lives transformed as a result. This book is your first step towards doing the same. No matter how bad things seem now, your marriage can survive an affair and be saved.


  • 1. 10 STEPSTo Help Your Marriage Survive An Affair An introduction to the amazing power of Real Love Pete and Nikki Uglow

2. 10 STEPSTo Help Your MarriageSurvive An Affair An introduction to the amazing power of Real Love Pete and Nikki Uglow www.RealLoveUK.com 3. Copyright 2012 Pete and Nikki Uglow.All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording orotherwise without the prior permission of the author(s).Edited by Tom Stevenson.Cover design and page layout by NABO.Member of NABOTo join visit: www.nabo.biz 4. IntroductionIf your marriage is at a crisis point due to arevelation of infidelity, then this guide is for you.Nothing damages a marriage in the same wayas an affair, no matter what form it takes. If youor your partner has violated the commitment ofexclusivity you made in your vows and have beenunfaithful, your marriage will suffer for it when itinevitably comes out into the open.Pete and Nikki Uglow enjoy a marriage today that is stronger than it has everbeen. They have a level of trust, passion and happiness in their relationshipthat they had only previously dreamed about. But it hasnt always beenlike this and they had to find out the hard way when their 23-year marriageimploded after Petes admission of infidelity.Nikki confides: We were both confused and unsure of what to do next.I was desperate to find a solution to save our marriage, but I was in anincredible amount of pain. I didnt really believe it was possible. Fortunately,a solution did present itself. It was during a web search for the wordsunconditional love that Nikki discovered the work of Dr Greg Baer, founderof the Real Love Company, in America.Pete takes up the story: What we found was a revelation and within afew days we were flying out to Georgia USA for an intensive three-dayintervention at Dr Baers invitation. It was here that we were introducedto the concept of unconditional love or as Dr Baer calls it Real Love;a profoundly new and different way of understanding what loving anotherperson really means. It has completely changed me, completely changedthe way I view the world and absolutely transformed mine and Nikkisrelationship.To be unconditionally loving is something that many people believe theyare, but the truth is very few people actually know how to love somebodyproperly. Real Love is totally selfless. It is about I care how you feel. Theopposite of Real Love is conditional love which is I like how you make mefeel. Its Real Love when someone cares about their partners happinesswithout needing anything in return for themselves. Theyre not disappointedor angry when their partner makes foolish mistakes or doesnt automatically-3- 5. give them what they want. They have no secrets from each other and dontjust tolerate, but embrace each and every little quirk and personality trait.This is the true happiness that gives us a reason to live, not the fleetinghappiness that we use as a substitute, often without even realising it. Whentwo people love each other unconditionally, they dont need anything inreturn for it, as the Real Love itself is enough. Rather than assigning blame,Real Love helps us to understand the origins of our behaviour and dowhatever we need to in order to achieve true happiness in all aspects ofour lives including providing a rock solid foundation for a happy marriage.This was what our marriage had been missing for so long, and once weembraced it, our lives were changed forever. We were so inspired by whatwe learnt that we trained as Real Love coaches ourselves and went on tofound Real Love UK in order to share everything wed learnt with othershere in this country.Not only does this approach work, it works quickly and produces lastingresults. Speaking from our personal experience, it took us less than ninemonths to completely turn our lives around and eliminate the pain ofinfidelity completely. This isnt about traditional marriage counselling, whichonly provides temporary solutions most of the time this is about reallyturning your marriage and your whole life around.In the pages that follow, there is a section for you and a section for yourpartner where you will each work through five steps that will start the processof bringing you closer together and help you to experience Real Love forthe first time in your lives. Theres no denying that it will take courage andcommitment from both of you, but it will definitely be worth it in the long run.Take the time to read your own section first and then, if you like, exploreyour partners section to find out a bit more about their journey. You will soonsee that no matter how bad things seem now, recovery is always possible.The things youre about to learn have transformed hundreds of peopleslives and are sure to transform yours too!Pete and Nikki UglowReal Love UK -4- 6. For the partnerwho has been cheated onThe discovery that your partner has been unfaithful could easily be oneof the worst things to ever happen to you, so emotions will be runninghigh. However, no matter how hurt youre feeling, you need to keep thosefeelings in check in order to facilitate the healing process for both of you.You might think you have every right to feel wronged, you might also want tolash out in your pain, but if you are really serious about re-creating a healthyand happy marriage, this can be extremely damaging to the process.Try following the advice in the following five steps it will make all thedifference.Step 1: Ask your partner if they would be willing to tell youabout what happenedIts important that there is no blame or anger involved from either of you atthis early stage. Although you may be feeling hurt and angry, the importantthing is to bring everything out into the open, not to give vent to your anger,as this will be counterproductive and make your partner reluctant to proceedfurther with the healing process. You may be afraid of hearing all the facts,but its important that you do, so you need to ask the right sort of questions.Tell your partner that you genuinely want to understand what happenedand want them to be completely open and honest with you. Remember, ahappy, long-lasting marriage can never be built on lies.Some questions you might ask includeAre you still seeing him/her and, if so, are you prepared to end it?When did you cross the line from friends to lovers?How many times?Where and when did you meet?Who else knows about your affair?Were there any others? If so, how many?How are you feeling and what do you want to do now? -5- 7. Theres no judgement implicit in any of these questions, which will makeyour partner far more ready to open up to you. They are likely to be feelinga great amount of guilt and shame and so will be very sensitive if they feelblame is being heaped on them. Be open, receptive and try to establishwhat they really want from the relationship as you move forward.You will learn over time that you can view the affair in a completelydifferent way. One day, you will be able to look back and admit that thesecircumstances were the catalyst that caused your whole marriage to turnaround. Try to view this step as merely gathering as much information asyou can so that you can then process it all in a completely different way.If you are calm and understanding throughout this conversation, no matterhow difficult it may be, the rest of the process will be much easier for bothof you.Step 2: Share how you feel, but without assigning blameThe next step is to share your own feelings about the affair, but once again,this isnt the time to start assigning blame. You cant become defensive,but your partner needs to understand the impact their infidelity has had onyou emotionally. For instance, an admission that Im feeling pretty betrayedand stupid right now is honest without being aggressive, while telling themYouve made me feel so stupid! will put them on the defensive and bring youright back to square one. Its a good idea to think carefully about what youwish to say well in advance so you can stay calm throughout the conversation.Do not expect an apology or any sympathy from your partner at this stage,as that is not the point here. The goal is simply to establish exactly whereyou are emotionally at this point in time so you can move forward from there.Step 3: Discover what went wrongThere is a simple reason for your partners affair. Like most people on theplanet, they are lacking unconditional love what we refer to as Real Love.Having never experienced any Real Love, most people move through lifewith an emptiness inside them that theyre not even aware of. Later in life,this emptiness manifests itself as feelings of loneliness, boredom, anger orfear, and literally compels us to seek out different forms of love to make usfeel better something we refer to as Imitation Love.It is this reason, and this reason only, that leads people to overindulge indrink, drugs, gambling and many other forms of self-destructive behaviour -6- 8. and it is this that led your partner to have an affair. If someone has notreceived Real Love as a child or from within his or her marriage, they willnaturally start looking elsewhere and get imitation love wherever they canfind it as a substitute.You may well ask why you didnt have an affair if your marriage was sodevoid of Real Love. You were almost certainly getting your fill of a differentform of Imitation Love from somewhere else. The only difference is that yourform of imitation love didnt manifest as infidelity. You might have absorbedyourself with work, shopping, sports, friends, children anything to makeup for the emptiness and loneliness of your marriage.While activities like this will provide a short-term buzz, theyll never compareto the lasting happiness provided by Real Love the feeling that someoneelse genuinely cares for us no matter what we do or have done.In sim