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  • 10 STEPSTo Help Your Marriage

    Survive An Affair

    Pete and Nikki Uglow

    An introduction to the amazing power of Real Love

  • 10 STEPSTo Help Your Marriage

    Survive An Affair

    Pete and Nikki Uglow

    An introduction to the amazing power of Real Love

    www.RealLoveUK.com

  • Copyright 2012 Pete and Nikki Uglow.

    All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the prior permission of the author(s).

    Edited by Tom Stevenson.

    Cover design and page layout by NABO.

    Member of NABO To join visit: www.nabo.biz

  • - 3 -

    IntroductionIf your marriage is at a crisis point due to a revelation of infidelity, then this guide is for you.

    Nothing damages a marriage in the same way as an affair, no matter what form it takes. If you or your partner has violated the commitment of exclusivity you made in your vows and have been unfaithful, your marriage will suffer for it when it inevitably comes out into the open.

    Pete and Nikki Uglow enjoy a marriage today that is stronger than it has ever been. They have a level of trust, passion and happiness in their relationship that they had only previously dreamed about. But it hasnt always been like this and they had to find out the hard way when their 23-year marriage imploded after Petes admission of infidelity.

    Nikki confides: We were both confused and unsure of what to do next. I was desperate to find a solution to save our marriage, but I was in an incredible amount of pain. I didnt really believe it was possible. Fortunately, a solution did present itself. It was during a web search for the words unconditional love that Nikki discovered the work of Dr Greg Baer, founder of the Real Love Company, in America.

    Pete takes up the story: What we found was a revelation and within a few days we were flying out to Georgia USA for an intensive three-day intervention at Dr Baers invitation. It was here that we were introduced to the concept of unconditional love or as Dr Baer calls it Real Love; a profoundly new and different way of understanding what loving another person really means. It has completely changed me, completely changed the way I view the world and absolutely transformed mine and Nikkis relationship.

    To be unconditionally loving is something that many people believe they are, but the truth is very few people actually know how to love somebody properly. Real Love is totally selfless. It is about I care how you feel. The opposite of Real Love is conditional love which is I like how you make me feel. Its Real Love when someone cares about their partners happiness without needing anything in return for themselves. Theyre not disappointed or angry when their partner makes foolish mistakes or doesnt automatically

  • - 4 -

    give them what they want. They have no secrets from each other and dont just tolerate, but embrace each and every little quirk and personality trait.

    This is the true happiness that gives us a reason to live, not the fleeting happiness that we use as a substitute, often without even realising it. When two people love each other unconditionally, they dont need anything in return for it, as the Real Love itself is enough. Rather than assigning blame, Real Love helps us to understand the origins of our behaviour and do whatever we need to in order to achieve true happiness in all aspects of our lives including providing a rock solid foundation for a happy marriage.

    This was what our marriage had been missing for so long, and once we embraced it, our lives were changed forever. We were so inspired by what we learnt that we trained as Real Love coaches ourselves and went on to found Real Love UK in order to share everything wed learnt with others here in this country.

    Not only does this approach work, it works quickly and produces lasting results. Speaking from our personal experience, it took us less than nine months to completely turn our lives around and eliminate the pain of infidelity completely. This isnt about traditional marriage counselling, which only provides temporary solutions most of the time this is about really turning your marriage and your whole life around.

    In the pages that follow, there is a section for you and a section for your partner where you will each work through five steps that will start the process of bringing you closer together and help you to experience Real Love for the first time in your lives. Theres no denying that it will take courage and commitment from both of you, but it will definitely be worth it in the long run.

    Take the time to read your own section first and then, if you like, explore your partners section to find out a bit more about their journey. You will soon see that no matter how bad things seem now, recovery is always possible.

    The things youre about to learn have transformed hundreds of peoples lives and are sure to transform yours too!

    Pete and Nikki Uglow Real Love UK

  • - 5 -

    For the partner who has been cheated on

    The discovery that your partner has been unfaithful could easily be one of the worst things to ever happen to you, so emotions will be running high. However, no matter how hurt youre feeling, you need to keep those feelings in check in order to facilitate the healing process for both of you. You might think you have every right to feel wronged, you might also want to lash out in your pain, but if you are really serious about re-creating a healthy and happy marriage, this can be extremely damaging to the process.

    Try following the advice in the following five steps it will make all the difference.

    Step 1: Ask your partner if they would be willing to tell you about what happenedIts important that there is no blame or anger involved from either of you at this early stage. Although you may be feeling hurt and angry, the important thing is to bring everything out into the open, not to give vent your anger, as this will be counterproductive and make your partner reluctant to proceed further with the healing process. You may be afraid of hearing all the facts, but its important that you do, so you need to ask the right sort of questions.

    Tell your partner that you genuinely want to understand what happened and want them to be completely open and honest with you. Remember, a happy, long-lasting marriage can never be built on lies.

    Some questions you might ask include

    Are you still seeing him/her and, if so, are you prepared to end it?

    When did you cross the line from friends to lovers?

    How many times?

    Where and when did you meet?

    Who else knows about your affair?

    Were there any others? If so, how many?

    How are you feeling and what do you want to do now?

  • - 6 -

    Theres no judgement implicit in any of these questions, which will make your partner far more ready to open up to you. They are likely to be feeling a great amount of guilt and shame and so will be very sensitive if they feel blame is being heaped on them. Be open, receptive and try to establish what they really want from the relationship as you move forward.

    You will learn over time that you can view the affair in a completely different way. One day, you will be able to look back and admit that these circumstances were the catalyst that caused your whole marriage to turn around. Try to view this step as merely gathering as much information as you can so that you can then process it all in a completely different way.

    If you are calm and understanding throughout this conversation, no matter how difficult it may be, the rest of the process will be much easier for both of you.

    Step 2: Share how you feel, but without assigning blameThe next step is to share your own feelings about the affair, but once again, this isnt the time to start assigning blame. You cant become defensive, but your partner needs to understand the impact their infidelity has had on you emotionally. For instance, an admission that Im feeling pretty betrayed and stupid right now is honest without being aggressive, while telling them Youve made me feel so stupid! will put them on the defensive and bring you right back to square one. Its a good idea to think carefully about what you wish to say well in advance so you can stay calm throughout the conversation.

    Do not expect an apology or any sympathy from your partner at this stage, as that is not the point here. The goal is simply to establish exactly where you are emotionally at this point in time so you can move forward from there.

    Step 3: Discover what went wrongThere is a simple reason for your partners affair. Like most people on the planet, they are lacking unconditional love what we refer to as Real Love. Having never experienced any Real Love, most people move through life with an emptiness inside them that theyre not even aware of. Later in life, this emptiness manifests itself as feelings of loneliness, boredom, anger or fear, and literally compels us to seek out different forms of love to make us feel better something we refer to as Imitation Love.

    It is this reason, and this reason only, that leads people to overindulge in drink, drugs, gambling and many other forms of self-destructive behaviour

  • - 7 -

    and it is this that led your partner to have an affair. If someone has not received Real Love as a child or from within his or her marriage, they will naturally start looking elsewhere and get imitation love wherever they can find it as a substitute.

    You may well ask why you didnt have an affair if your marriage was so devoid of Real Love. You were almost certainly getting your fill of a different for