10 STEPSTo Help Your Marriage

Survive An Affair

Pete and Nikki Uglow

An introduction to the amazing power of Real Love

10 STEPSTo Help Your Marriage

Survive An Affair

Pete and Nikki Uglow

An introduction to the amazing power of Real Love

www.RealLoveUK.com

Copyright © 2012 Pete and Nikki Uglow.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the prior permission of the author(s).

Edited by Tom Stevenson.

Cover design and page layout by NABO.

Member of NABO To join visit: www.nabo.biz

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IntroductionIf your marriage is at a crisis point due to a revelation of infidelity, then this guide is for you.

Nothing damages a marriage in the same way as an affair, no matter what form it takes. If you or your partner has violated the commitment of exclusivity you made in your vows and have been unfaithful, your marriage will suffer for it when it inevitably comes out into the open.

Pete and Nikki Uglow enjoy a marriage today that is stronger than it has ever been. They have a level of trust, passion and happiness in their relationship that they had only previously dreamed about. But it hasn’t always been like this and they had to find out the hard way when their 23-year marriage imploded after Pete’s admission of infidelity.

Nikki confides: “We were both confused and unsure of what to do next. I was desperate to find a solution to save our marriage, but I was in an incredible amount of pain. I didn’t really believe it was possible. Fortunately, a solution did present itself.” It was during a web search for the words “unconditional love” that Nikki discovered the work of Dr Greg Baer, founder of the Real Love Company, in America.

Pete takes up the story: “What we found was a revelation and within a few days we were flying out to Georgia USA for an intensive three-day intervention at Dr Baer’s invitation. It was here that we were introduced to the concept of ‘unconditional love’ or as Dr Baer calls it ‘Real Love’; a profoundly new and different way of understanding what loving another person really means. It has completely changed me, completely changed the way I view the world and absolutely transformed mine and Nikki’s relationship.”

To be unconditionally loving is something that many people believe they are, but the truth is very few people actually know how to love somebody properly. Real Love is totally selfless. It is about “I care how you feel”. The opposite of Real Love is ‘conditional love’ which is “I like how you make me feel”. It’s Real Love when someone cares about their partner’s happiness without needing anything in return for themselves. They’re not disappointed or angry when their partner makes foolish mistakes or doesn’t automatically

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give them what they want. They have no secrets from each other and don’t just tolerate, but embrace each and every little quirk and personality trait.

This is the true happiness that gives us a reason to live, not the fleeting happiness that we use as a substitute, often without even realising it. When two people love each other unconditionally, they don’t need anything in return for it, as the Real Love itself is enough. Rather than assigning blame, Real Love helps us to understand the origins of our behaviour and do whatever we need to in order to achieve true happiness in all aspects of our lives – including providing a rock solid foundation for a happy marriage.

“This was what our marriage had been missing for so long, and once we embraced it, our lives were changed forever. We were so inspired by what we learnt that we trained as Real Love coaches ourselves and went on to found Real Love UK in order to share everything we’d learnt with others here in this country.”

“Not only does this approach work, it works quickly and produces lasting results. Speaking from our personal experience, it took us less than nine months to completely turn our lives around and eliminate the pain of infidelity completely. This isn’t about traditional marriage counselling, which only provides temporary solutions most of the time – this is about really turning your marriage and your whole life around.”

In the pages that follow, there is a section for you and a section for your partner where you will each work through five steps that will start the process of bringing you closer together and help you to experience Real Love for the first time in your lives. There’s no denying that it will take courage and commitment from both of you, but it will definitely be worth it in the long run.

Take the time to read your own section first and then, if you like, explore your partner’s section to find out a bit more about their journey. You will soon see that no matter how bad things seem now, recovery is always possible.

The things you’re about to learn have transformed hundreds of people’s lives and are sure to transform yours too!

Pete and Nikki Uglow Real Love UK

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For the partner who has been cheated on

The discovery that your partner has been unfaithful could easily be one of the worst things to ever happen to you, so emotions will be running high. However, no matter how hurt you’re feeling, you need to keep those feelings in check in order to facilitate the healing process for both of you. You might think you have every right to feel wronged, you might also want to lash out in your pain, but if you are really serious about re-creating a healthy and happy marriage, this can be extremely damaging to the process.

Try following the advice in the following five steps – it will make all the difference.

Step 1: Ask your partner if they would be willing to tell you about what happenedIt’s important that there is no blame or anger involved from either of you at this early stage. Although you may be feeling hurt and angry, the important thing is to bring everything out into the open, not to give vent your anger, as this will be counterproductive and make your partner reluctant to proceed further with the healing process. You may be afraid of hearing all the facts, but it’s important that you do, so you need to ask the right sort of questions.

Tell your partner that you genuinely want to understand what happened and want them to be completely open and honest with you. Remember, a happy, long-lasting marriage can never be built on lies.

Some questions you might ask include…

“Are you still seeing him/her and, if so, are you prepared to end it?”

“When did you cross the line from friends to lovers?”

“How many times?”

“Where and when did you meet?”

“Who else knows about your affair?”

“Were there any others? If so, how many?”

“How are you feeling and what do you want to do now?”

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There’s no judgement implicit in any of these questions, which will make your partner far more ready to open up to you. They are likely to be feeling a great amount of guilt and shame and so will be very sensitive if they feel blame is being heaped on them. Be open, receptive and try to establish what they really want from the relationship as you move forward.

You will learn over time that you can view the affair in a completely different way. One day, you will be able to look back and admit that these circumstances were the catalyst that caused your whole marriage to turn around. Try to view this step as merely gathering as much information as you can so that you can then process it all in a completely different way.

If you are calm and understanding throughout this conversation, no matter how difficult it may be, the rest of the process will be much easier for both of you.

Step 2: Share how you feel, but without assigning blameThe next step is to share your own feelings about the affair, but once again, this isn’t the time to start assigning blame. You can’t become defensive, but your partner needs to understand the impact their infidelity has had on you emotionally. For instance, an admission that “I’m feeling pretty betrayed and stupid right now” is honest without being aggressive, while telling them “You’ve made me feel so stupid!” will put them on the defensive and bring you right back to square one. It’s a good idea to think carefully about what you wish to say well in advance so you can stay calm throughout the conversation.

Do not expect an apology or any sympathy from your partner at this stage, as that is not the point here. The goal is simply to establish exactly where you are emotionally at this point in time so you can move forward from there.

Step 3: Discover what went wrongThere is a simple reason for your partner’s affair. Like most people on the planet, they are lacking unconditional love – what we refer to as Real Love. Having never experienced any Real Love, most people move through life with an emptiness inside them that they’re not even aware of. Later in life, this emptiness manifests itself as feelings of loneliness, boredom, anger or fear, and literally compels us to seek out different forms of ‘love’ to make us feel better – something we refer to as ‘Imitation Love’.

It is this reason, and this reason only, that leads people to overindulge in drink, drugs, gambling and many other forms of self-destructive behaviour

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and it is this that led your partner to have an affair. If someone has not received Real Love as a child or from within his or her marriage, they will naturally start looking elsewhere and get imitation love wherever they can find it as a substitute.

You may well ask why you didn’t have an affair if your marriage was so devoid of Real Love. You were almost certainly getting your fill of a different form of Imitation Love from somewhere else. The only difference is that your form of imitation love didn’t manifest as infidelity. You might have absorbed yourself with work, shopping, sports, friends, children… anything to make up for the emptiness and loneliness of your marriage.

While activities like this will provide a short-term buzz, they’ll never compare to the lasting happiness provided by Real Love – the feeling that someone else genuinely cares for us no matter what we do or have done.

In simple terms, neither of you were equipped to provide the other with Real Love, as you’d never experienced it for yourselves, having never received it from your parents during your childhood (who will, in turn, have never received it when they were children).

You may well ask whether it is genuinely possible to love someone unconditionally, particularly when they’ve done something to hurt you so deeply, but it really is possible. Although it’s important for people to take responsibility for their actions, it is possible to teach and correct people without bringing anger and disappointment into the equation. Every time we frown, sigh, speak harshly, or in any way express our anger at our partner, we are only communicating that we’re not getting what we want. We are not showing that we care about our partner’s happiness – only our own. They will sense our selfishness and become disconnected from us.

Giving or withholding acceptance based on another person’s behaviour is the essence of conditional love – we were taught this kind of behaviour when we were children. Think back to how our parents responded when we did something wrong; with scolding, frowns and disapproval. As a result, we were taught to seek the approval of others in any way we could, thus accumulating a lot of skeletons in our closets.

It is therefore wrong to assign all the blame for your marital problems to your partner, no matter how deeply their affair hurt you. It is also no good to blame yourself either – how could you have known what was missing until someone taught you the real truth?

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When you bring Real Love into your life, your unhappiness will melt away and loving, committed relationships will become as natural as breathing. Genuine happiness like this enriches the soul and won’t disappear when things become difficult, so persevering through these difficult stages is the only way to really achieve it.

Step 4: Commit to doing whatever it takes to save your marriageLearning to experience Real Love doesn’t happen overnight, so it’s important that both you and your partner are completely committed to the healing process and willing to see it through to the end. You cannot allow yourselves to give up at the first sign of adversity, as any progress you’ve already made will have been for nothing.

Surely a truly happy life with your partner is worth a little effort early on? The effects of Real Love are so life-changing that once you experience them for yourself, you will be in no doubt that all that effort was worth it. Let’s face it; if you don’t find out what Real Love is now, you will take that same emptiness with you into any future relationships and you won’t know how to make that relationship work either.

Step 5: Seek help and support from qualified peopleAs we already mentioned, very few people have experienced Real Love in their lives or know anything about it. It will therefore be impossible for just anyone to guide you towards properly bringing it into your own life. Your friends and family may have the very best of intentions, whether they are telling you to just end the marriage or do whatever it takes to save it, but they won’t ever be able to offer you advice that will affect lasting, positive change.

The only person who can introduce you to Real Love and guide you and your partner through the healing process is someone who has experienced it for themselves – in other words, a qualified Real Love coach. Beginning with a three-day intervention, they will help you and your partner bring all your feelings out into the open in order to establish exactly what led to the affair and, more importantly, how you can move forward.

Real Love is not based on abstract theories – each and every Real Love coach has had their own life transformed by Real Love and worked hard at correcting their own conditionally loving behaviour. Their guidance is based

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on their own life experiences, which means they are truly passionate and committed to their work.

Although this guide has laid the groundwork, exploring Real Love is truly a lifelong process, leading to greater and greater levels of happiness. We’d advise you to explore everything you can about it and work with an expert for as long as it takes to get your marriage back on track.

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For the partner who has been unfaithful

If you’ve had an affair but are ready to take responsibility for what you’ve done and work to save your marriage, you will be experiencing a lot of different feelings at the moment. The following five steps will help you manage those feelings, face up to your mistake and start to do what’s necessary to repair your marriage.

Step 1: End the affairIt may seem obvious, but this first step is vital if progress is to be made.

It will be impossible to make progress unless you demonstrate that you are committed to getting your marriage back on track by completely breaking off your affair. There’s no doubt that this is a scary process – you might be afraid, for example, that breaking off the affair for good means putting yourself at risk of losing both your partner and your lover, should any reconciliation in your marriage prove unsuccessful.

You may even be looking for justification for your behaviour out of fear of the blame you’re anticipating and think that ending your marriage would legitimise your infidelity.

If you’re to move forward, it’s important to be completely committed to the process and not delude yourself that you can have it both ways. You must demonstrate serious commitment at this point. Do whatever it takes. For example, remove the other person’s details from your address book, change your mobile phone number, remove them from your list of friends on social media or put a filter on any emails coming in from their email address. If you work with the person concerned, apply to move departments or get another job. It will be worth it in the end.

Step 2: Tell the truthBeing alone is one of humankind’s biggest fears, so telling the truth about our mistakes is an intimidating prospect. In fact, feeling alone is what leads people to have affairs in the first place. We’ve been brought up to fear the consequences of not being accepted by other people and so we will look for that acceptance anywhere we can. Our whole lives are based on trying

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to get other people to like us, and in so doing, most of what we say is not the whole or even the partial truth. Some of it will have been complete lies. Think about the things you have told the person you had the affair with – how much of what they know about you is actually the truth?

Lying is learned behaviour and even though it wasn’t their fault, our parents were usually the ones who unwittingly taught us to lie. When we were scolded by our parents for things we had done wrong, we didn’t like the feeling – and often we then learnt to protect ourselves from this horrible feeling by lying. This is what causes human beings to lie later in life, often without even realising we’re doing it. Quite simply, we have no understanding of our true selves. We lie to protect ourselves from disapproval and in order to gain ourselves somebody else’s approval.

Only through bringing everything into the open can you start moving on. You need to be completely candid and answer any questions your partner has about exactly what happened, no matter how much you fear the repercussions. You need to be completely honest with them and completely honest with yourself.

It’s an incredibly liberating feeling. No matter how much you fear it, once the truth is out in the open, you will feel a great weight lifted off your shoulders. And surely it’s better to have a relationship based on trust and openness, where you both know everything about each other and wholeheartedly accept it, than one based on lies? This is the cornerstone of Real Love, as you will soon discover…

Step 3: Discover why you had an affair in the first placeThere is one simple reason for people having affairs – they were only receiving conditional love as opposed to unconditional love, or as we refer to it, Real Love. Conditional love is all about winning others over – we do whatever we can to please other people and receive love in return. Conditional love forces us to build up a persona in order to receive the love we crave, until the weight of our lies becomes too much to bear.

Unconditional love is the opposite. Real Love is about two people accepting each other for who they really are, not who they pretend to be.

When we aren’t receiving Real Love, we will start looking for substitutes or imitations of the real thing because they temporarily make us feel better. We refer to these as Imitation Love and they fall into four categories…

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• Praise. Everyone likes to be complimented and told they’ve done well. The problem is, this feeling is temporary and you’ll have to keep working hard to get a dose of it. Think of what first dates are like – everyone is trying their hardest to impress the other person. As the relationship progresses, it becomes clear that each partner is more than just their best qualities, so a relationship that is based on constantly seeking praise and acknowledgement is doomed to fail.

• Power. In the absence of Real Love, power can be very satisfying, whether it involves money, authority, physical and verbal intimidation, anger, violence or sex. These are simply poor substitutes for Real Love and may offer a quick fix, but will never cure our feelings of loneliness.

• Pleasure. Sex, food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling and fast cars are all just distractions. If they were anything more than that, addicts would be the happiest people in the world. These sensations are fleeting and will never compare to the lasting happiness provided by Real Love.

• Safety. Everyone likes to feel secure. This is why people will often put up with jobs they’re unhappy with for years, as the prospect of moving on is just too intimidating. Similarly, if we’ve been repeatedly hurt in relationships, we’ll settle for someone who hurts us less, even if that doesn’t even resemble Real Love.

Whatever form it happens to take, imitation love can never compare to Real Love. Your affair resulted from a lack of Real Love in your life and in your relationship. Your partner is undoubtedly receiving imitation love in one form or another, but probably in different forms to you. You chose the thrill and temporary buzz of an affair. On the other hand, your partner may be gambling, drinking or living their life through the children.

You chose to have an affair and therefore the consequences of your decision are your responsibility. However, the reason behind why you had the affair in the first place was not your fault. You didn’t know about Real Love, your spouse didn’t know about Real Love and your parents didn’t know about Real Love in order to teach you about it either. Blaming anyone will not solve anything. Understanding the real cause and committing to put things right is the only successful way forwards.

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Step 4: Commit to doing whatever it takes to save your marriageFixing your marriage will require work; there’s no getting around it. However, you need to accept this and commit yourself to doing whatever it takes to get your relationship back on track. Do not give up at the first sign of adversity, or you will never get to experience Real Love in your own life. This is a lifelong journey you’re embarking on – one that could be truly amazing!

Step 5: Seek help and support from qualified peopleReal Love is rare. Very few people have experienced it in their own lives and so you should be wary of their advice when it comes to fixing your marriage, no matter how well-intentioned they may be.

Imagine that you’ve lived in Antarctica for your entire life, so all you’ve ever known is temperatures between -20°C and -60°C. One day, however, the temperature rises from -40°C to 0°C. Compared to what you’ve known all your life, you’d think that was warm, but how would you possibly know what genuine warmth was? How could you know what it could be like to bask on a beach in Grand Cayman, where the temperatures might vary between 30°C and 35°C in the afternoon?

So it is with Real Love. It is impossible to describe unless we’ve experienced it for ourselves, but once we do, all form of Imitation Love pale in comparison. That’s why the only person who can help you bring Real Love into your marriage is a qualified Real Love coach, who will stage an intensive three-day intervention to help you put everything you’ve learnt in this guide into practice.

Once you have been through this process, experiencing Real Love for the first time will totally affect all aspects of your life. Loving, positive relationships that would previously have seemed impossible will become effortless.

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ConclusionAlthough we’ve covered a lot in this guide, it’s just the first step towards experiencing Real Love for yourselves. As we mentioned early on, we are qualified Real Love coaches who are passionate about sharing the transformative power of Real Love with others. That’s why we’d like to be the ones to help you and your partner fix your marriage and get ready for a long, happy life together.

We offer a three-day intervention followed by 12 months unlimited coaching for couples who are experiencing the devastating effects of an affair, but are serious about building a better relationship.

For more information, just visit

www.realloveuk.com/the-complete-affair-recovery-programme

You can also speak to us directly for free advice by calling 01676 534537 or emailing us at info@realloveuk.com.

We look forward to meeting you!

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What our clients say about how Real Love has transformed their lives

(Anonymity has been preserved)

“The support and love from Pete and Nikki was invaluable to me when my husband confessed that he had been unfaithful to me on numerous occasions throughout our marriage. If it weren’t for a Real Love intervention, I am positive I would still be wallowing in self-pity, unworthiness and bitterness towards my husband and myself. Instead I acknowledge the truth that it had nothing to do with me but was due to the emptiness of my husband who has now had the courage to show me the real him and we are moving forward and creating a happier more truly loving surrounding for us and our children.”

Nicola, Staffs

“Having studied personal development for over 20 years, and still found myself unable to communicate effectively with my partner, I could not have been more surprised and delighted by what the Real Love Intervention with Nikki and Pete Uglow led me to discover about myself as an individual and myself in relation to every other person in my life.

“I highly recommend Real Love UK and would urge anyone looking for peace, happiness and a deep sense of well-being to surrender to what Nikki and Pete have to offer.”

Sharon, Kent

“Oh wow. What can I say? I attended the intervention a broken woman. I was in so much pain after I discovered my husband had an affair, I didn’t know how I could ever move on. I was lost, alone, humiliated and angry.

“I left after three days feeling completely understood and deeply cared for with a completely new perspective on the world and my relationship. Why doesn’t everyone know this stuff? I feel like I’m wearing new glasses and everything looks different, especially my husband! The intervention was a truly amazing experience and I wish I could do it over again!”

Gina, Somerset

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“Embracing Real Love, attending the intervention with Pete and Nikki, then working on myself with the on-going coaching, enabled me to understand exactly why I had engaged in extra-marital affairs and also to find the ability to tell the truth about them. It has ensured that I will never go back to that behaviour in the future.”

R. H, Derbyshire

“With Pete and Nikki’s sincerity for genuinely caring for my happiness, they were able to gently guide me in uncovering my destructive behavioural patterns that may have taken many hours of phone-calls. Without this intervention it may have taken a lot longer to have understood Real Love and the benefits we can gain from understanding the behaviours we all use to protect ourselves.”

L C, Devon

“The intervention helped me to look at things and see things completely differently and see that there is a different way of living. It was an eye opening experience for me and my partner.

We went away after three days ready to make each other truly happy in the Real Love sense and not in the way we had thought relationships worked before.”

Lauren, Staffs

“I eventually decided to go to Pete and Nikki to have an intervention with my partner, as I was personally at a very low point in my life and felt that I had nowhere to turn. It was affecting our relationship badly.

“The intervention itself was incredible, allowing me to see an alternative way to how I was feeling before. It was really like opening new eyes on the world. I was always a little dubious about the concept of Unconditional Love, believing it wasn’t humanly possible, but after the intervention there was not a drop of doubt in me that it existed and its healing power was phenomenal.”

Jacob, Notts

If your marriage has suffered from the devastating effects of infidelity, but you are serious about fixing it and moving on with your life together, this guide is for you.

Having had their own 23-year marriage derailed by infidelity, Pete and Nikki Uglow found the solution in the amazing power of ‘Real Love’. Pete and Nikki now share their expertise with others as the founders of Real Love UK. In their unique guide, they offer both the cheating and the cheated partner, a straightforward but powerful five-step process to discover what caused the affair and what can be done to save your marriage.

Inside you’ll discover…

• What Real Love is and why it is such a powerful ingredient in a marriage• The real reason we have affairs (believe it or not, there is only one)• How to face up to your fears and take the first step towards reconciliation• Confronting feelings without assigning blame

People from all walks of life have already experienced Real Love by working with Pete and Nikki and had their lives transformed as a result. This guide is your first step towards doing the same. No matter how bad things seem now, your marriage can be saved, as you will see for yourself once you start exploring these lessons…

www.RealLoveUK.com