10 bhm ief-timd lecture 10
TRANSCRIPT
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© IEF 1© IEF 1
Building HealthyMarriages
Building HealthyMarriages
© 2002 International Educational FoundationIEF is responsible for the content of this presentation only
if it has not been altered from the original.
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© IEF 2© IEF 2
Build Own Character StrengthBuild Own Character Strength
A partnership is only as strong as its partners Strengthen
conscience through study and service
Cultivate good goals, interests and friendships
A partnership is only as strong as its partners Strengthen
conscience through study and service
Cultivate good goals, interests and friendships
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© IEF 3© IEF 3
Practice self-disciplinePractice self-discipline
Focus on OwnDeficiencies, Not Spouse’s
Focus on OwnDeficiencies, Not Spouse’s
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© IEF 4© IEF 4
Commitment — Context for Love to Grow
Commitment — Context for Love to Grow
Creates safety forintimacy
Allows time todiscover spouse Never ending
process
Creates safety forintimacy
Allows time todiscover spouse Never ending
process
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© IEF 5© IEF 5
Close “escape hatches”
Workaholism Preoccupation with
child Excessive television Extramarital affair
Divorce not an option
Close “escape hatches”
Workaholism Preoccupation with
child Excessive television Extramarital affair
Divorce not an option
Commitment = Investment in the Marriage
Commitment = Investment in the Marriage
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© IEF 6© IEF 6
Embodies commitment
Maintains honesty Eases fears that
block intimacy
Embodies commitment
Maintains honesty Eases fears that
block intimacy
FidelityFidelity
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© IEF 7© IEF 7
Love — Built on TrustLove — Built on Trust
Trust is built on virtue Fidelity Commitment
Trust is built on virtue Fidelity Commitment
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© IEF 8© IEF 8
“ A marriage that commands loyalty…requires each partnerto relinquish self-centeredness.”
Judith S. Wallerstein, The Good Marriage
“ A marriage that commands loyalty…requires each partnerto relinquish self-centeredness.”
Judith S. Wallerstein, The Good Marriage
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© IEF 9© IEF 9
True LoveTrue Love
True Love IsOther-Centered
True Love IsOther-Centered
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© IEF 10© IEF 10
Love Requires InvestmentLove Requires Investment
Investment & InvolvementInvestment & Involvement
Bonding Power
Bonding Power
Sustains & revives
affection
Sustains & revives
affection
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© IEF 11© IEF 11
Service Kind
gestures Praise and
appreciation
Service Kind
gestures Praise and
appreciation
DepositsDeposits
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© IEF 12© IEF 12
Invest in the Marital “Bank Account”
Invest in the Marital “Bank Account”
Become friends Build
companionship Have fun
together
5 deposits for 1 withdrawal
Become friends Build
companionship Have fun
together
5 deposits for 1 withdrawal
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© IEF 13© IEF 13
1. Criticism
2.Personal attacks
3.Defensiveness
4.Putting up walls
1. Criticism
2.Personal attacks
3.Defensiveness
4.Putting up walls
WithdrawalsWithdrawals
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© IEF 14© IEF 14
Develop Listening SkillsDevelop Listening Skills
1. State1. State
2. Reflect2. Reflect
3. Affirm & clarify
3. Affirm & clarify
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© IEF 15© IEF 15
Listening from Spouse’sPerspective — Effective
Listening from Spouse’sPerspective — Effective
With empathy To understand
With empathy To understand
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© IEF 16© IEF 16
Common Areas of Marital Tension
Common Areas of Marital Tension
Sex In-Laws Finances Children
Sex In-Laws Finances Children
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© IEF 17© IEF 17
Dealing with AngerDealing with Anger
Never usephysical violence
Allow time for cooling down
Get to the rootemotions — Hurt & fear
Never usephysical violence
Allow time for cooling down
Get to the rootemotions — Hurt & fear
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© IEF 18© IEF 18
Marital PhasesMarital Phases
RomanceRomance
Conflict
Conflict
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Resignation
Resignation
Renewed Commitmen
t
Renewed Commitmen
t
Separation
Separation
Choices During ConflictChoices During Conflict
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© IEF 20© IEF 20
Marital PhasesMarital Phases
RomanceRomance
Conflict
Conflict
Recommitment & Cooperation
Recommitment & Cooperation
Creativity & Service
Creativity & Service
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© IEF 21© IEF 21
Public ServiceStrengthens Marriage
Public ServiceStrengthens Marriage
Spouses support each other in service
Balance publicand family time
Spouses support each other in service
Balance publicand family time
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© IEF 22© IEF 22
“ Love does not consist in gazing at each other but
in looking together in the same direction.” Antoine De Saint-Exupery
“ Love does not consist in gazing at each other but
in looking together in the same direction.” Antoine De Saint-Exupery
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© IEF 23© IEF 23
Interdependent
Interdependent
Too independent
Too independent
Not too dependent
Not too dependent
Happiest Marriages Interdependent
Happiest Marriages Interdependent
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© IEF 24© IEF 24
Marriage Can BeHealing and Restorative
Marriage Can BeHealing and Restorative
Resolvespsychological issues
Childhood scars
Family history
Resolvespsychological issues
Childhood scars
Family history
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© IEF 25© IEF 25
Marriage Can BeTransformativeMarriage Can BeTransformative
Maturing experience of adult life Creative journey Expands heart and awareness
Maturing experience of adult life Creative journey Expands heart and awareness