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Day #8 of 8 Expectations,Emotions &Relationship

Success

Day #8 of 8 Expectations,Emotions &Relationship

SuccessRoster: Handouts:

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http://www.canyons.edu/faculty/rafterm

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The Psychology of Love & LossExpectations, Emotions &

Relationship SuccessDay #8 of 8

The effect of our expectations on our emotions

How gratitude relieves stress and how a sense of entitlement increases stress

Characteristics of successful relationships (Shelly Gable, Judith Wallerstein, John Gottman)

…but first:

Motivating Change in Relationships: Can Prayer Increase Forgiveness?

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Yes.

Item #13 on today’s page

The Plane of Possibility Emotions,

intentions,

images, memorie

s, thoughts

From: Siegel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: WW Norton

The Plane of Possibility Peaks may be

triggered


The effect of our expectations

onour emotions

How our happiness is affected byour sense of entitlement

versusour sense of gratitude

BB = f(= f(PP x x EE))BehaviorBehavior = function of = function of

(the (the PersonPerson x the x the EnvironmentEnvironment))

Emotion Emotion = function of = function of (the (the Person’s ExpectationsPerson’s Expectations

x x thethe Environmental Environmental

OutcomeOutcome))

How our happiness is affected byour sense of entitlement

versusour sense of gratitude

A Sense ofEntitlementA Sense ofEntitlement

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HIGH EXPECTATIONS HIGH EXPECTATIONS 1 OF 21 OF 2

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HIGH EXPECTATIONS HIGH EXPECTATIONS 2 OF 22 OF 2

A Sense ofGratitude

A Sense ofGratitude

The Plane of Possibility


Peaks may be triggere

d

The Plane of Possibility


Cognitions

Emotions

Overt Behavior

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What thoughts do we have, and how do we feel when we criticize someone?

How does the other person feel?

Cognitions * Emotions * Overt Behavior

What thoughts do we have, and how do we feel when we praise someone or

express our gratitude to them?

How does the other person feel?

Cognitions * Emotions * Overt Behavior

Gottman’s RatioGottman’s RatioThe proportion of

praise & gratitude comments relative to criticism comments

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Gottman’s Ratio for Relationship Success

When a relationship is in crisis.

5:15 5 words of praise or gratitudewords of praise or gratitude

for everyfor every

1 1 criticismcriticism

When a relationship is not in crisis.When a relationship is not in crisis.

88::118 8 words of praise or gratitudewords of praise or gratitude

for everyfor every

1 1 criticismcriticism

Gottman’s Ratio for Relationship Success

Let’s take the time to be kind to ourselves, and to others, and

increase our relationship success.

Our memories are imperfect, but we can keep Gottman’s ratio in

mind.

88::11May I be kind enough tooffer this ratio to myself.

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Don't Let theDon't Let theSpirit CrushersSpirit CrushersGet You Down Get You Down

ByROBIN ABCARIANLos Angeles Times

September 18, 1994


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Cheerleader Partners

Shelly Gable and her colleagues videotaped 79 couples taking turns discussing positive and negative events in their lives. Partner responses were coded as being one of four types.


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Types of Partner Responseafter hearing about a girlfriend’s

promotion. • Energetic, destructive response

“Are you sure you can handle all that responsibility?”

• Passive, destructive response Changing the subject.

• Energetic, constructive response“You really deserve it. You’ve been working hard for that promotion.”

• Passive, constructive response“That’s nice, dear.”

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Participants reported the highest levels of

relationship satisfaction

when their partners’ responses to their

personal achievementstended to be energetically constructive.


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Energetically Energetically constructive:constructive:

“You really deserve it.You’ve been working

so hardfor that promotion.”


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What’s more, positive-event support predicted relationship satisfaction better than compassionate responses to disappointing news.

“When you are talking about a negative event...the best your partner can do is bring you back to an average state—a not-upset state,” Gable says.

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What’s more, positive-event support predicted relationship satisfaction better than compassionate responses to disappointing news.

“When you are talking about a negative event...the best your partner can do is bring you back to an average state—a not-upset state,” Gable says.

88::11Kind PraiseKind Praise::CriticismCriticism

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GOTTMAN’S RATIOGOTTMAN’S RATIO

A “Language” Reminder:

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♥♥ Words of Affirmation

♥♥ Quality Time

♥♥ Receiving Gifts

♥♥ Acts of Service

♥♥ Physical Touch 46

CHAPMAN’S 5 LOVE CHAPMAN’S 5 LOVE LANGUAGESLANGUAGES

Loneliness

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LonelinessITEM # 27 On Today’s Information Page:

Lynch, J.J. (1977). The broken heart: The medical consequences of loneliness. New York: Basic Books, Inc.

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Loneliness:

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Measured by the UCLA Loneliness Scale

Loneliness:

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Measured by the UCLA Loneliness Scale1. O S R N …I am unhappy doing so many things alone 2. O S R N …I have nobody to talk to 3. O S R N …I cannot tolerate being so alone 4. O S R N …I lack companionship 5. O S R N …I feel as if nobody really understands me 6. O S R N …I find myself waiting for people to call or write 7. O S R N …There is no one I can turn to 8. O S R N …I am no longer close to anyone 9. O S R N …My interests and ideas are not shared by those around 10. O S R N …I feel left out 11. O S R N …I feel completely alone 12. O S R N …I am unable to reach out and communicate with those around 13. O S R N …My social relationships are superficial 14. O S R N …I feel starved for company

LonelinessPromotes InflammationDuring Acute Stress

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Item # 14 On Today’s Information Page

Fig. 1. Results from Study 1: mean stimulated production of (a) tumor necrosis factor-alpha (TNF-α) and (b) interleukin-6 (IL-6) as a function of measurement time and loneliness (low = 1

SD below the mean; high = 1 SD above the mean).



Fig. 2. Results from Study 2: mean stimulated production of (a) tumor necrosis factor-alpha (TNF-α), (b) interleukin-6 (IL-6), and (c) interleukin-1 beta (IL-1β) as a function of

measurement time and loneliness (low = 1 SD below the mean; high = 1 SD above the mean).

Jaremka L M et al. Psychological Science 2013;0956797612464059Copyright © by Association for Psychological Science

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“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy - age 4

Definitions of Love

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“You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica - age 8

Definitions of Love

…in times of conflict,maintain a mindful awareness of

your moral center.

Stop the clock for a moment to acknowledge,

“I love you.”

Being Mindful Mindful

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It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for

romantic relationships


• The Gratitude Visit

Gratitude Gratitude ExpressedExpressed

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.

William Arthur Ward

CognitionCognitionEmotionEmotionOvert BehaviorOvert Behavior

The 3 Primary Domains of the Human The 3 Primary Domains of the Human ExperienceExperience

…and a field test

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TODAY’S LISTTODAY’S LIST

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Thank you for the beauty

of our days together!

May the open place

in our heartsserve as an entrance.

The End.

1 day #8 of 8 expectations, emotions & relationship success roster:handouts: please verify your...

Documents

interpersonal neurobiology

integrative handbook

new york

pocket guide

expectations onour emotions

high expectations

ww norton peaks

relationship successlets